275: How to Succeed Without Ruining Your Life

Episode Transcript

Steve Haase  0:01  
Welcome to the Superabound podcast with master coaches, Erin Aquin and Steve Haase where business owners like you learn tools that help you clarify vision, clear up static and overcome challenges, you are listening to episode number 275: How to Succeed without ruining your life. All right, it sounds a bit dramatic. But it really matters. Because the examples are legion of people who have sacrificed their own lives, so to speak, on the altar of success. And it's not just men, but it is a lot of men, you usually don't hear about women who have gotten divorced and left their families behind because their startup was the only thing they cared about. It's much more of a male thing to do. But there are plenty of women who have their own version of that. And so we're gonna dissect what are some of the clues that you might be doing this, how to break free from this, we call it the blinders of doom, how to take off the blinders of doom, and actually achieve a different kind of success, one that the world may not write as many books about, or produces many Netflix specials about, but one that ultimately will mean even more to the person that matters. And that is you. I am joined with someone who matters very much to me, my partner and co founder Erin Aquin. Welcome, Erin.

Erin Aquin  1:27  
Ah, I think that's the nicest intro you've ever given me. You know what, Steve, it's really funny because there aren't Netflix specials about someone that rose to a level of success, where they had this like, really amazing life, we only I don't remember there was the one you're watching were like the person basically, like, sacrificed 15 years and, like, had all of these health problems and all of these like terrible things. And I'm like, Yes, that's a dramatic story. It's an incredible story. It's a dramatic one. But I just don't think that that is a really healthy place for all of us to hang our hats on, you know, the people who have books written about them aren't all great. And I think this is really important to talk about, you know, we dive into this in our upcoming book, Superabound. Because a lot of folks go after some kind of external appearance of success. I know, for myself, when I was a business owner, who was not making much money, I thought, Oh, well, when I'm making money, then I will be successful. But then when you start making a lot of money, there's always somebody out there who's making way more money. And you know, the, the carrot can keep getting further and further away. So I think the very first thing is defining what success really means for you. There are plenty of people out in the world, who will try and tell you what success is what it means what it looks like. And conveniently how, regardless of how wealthy you are, and how big your business grows, and how many promotions you get, you're still not there. It's like really powerful and evil marketing, this whole idea of success, because regardless of how far you get, there's always somewhere else you could go in the eyes of the world around you and there and the and actually, the more successful, quote, unquote, you get in the eyes of the world, the more people will tell you why it doesn't really count. Sometimes that person is your own internal voice. But if you're successful at a global level, they will write about you, they will talk about you. It is it is a real. It is a real dance that happens for for folks. And so

Steve Haase  4:00  
the place to begin with the question of how to succeed without ruining your life is your definition of success. We like to talk about lanterns, because so often, someone will say I know my definition of success $10 million in my business $100 million in my business, like the number is going to be arbitrary, wherever you're at success is going to look like that, times 10 Or that doubled, whatever it is, and that's fine. Growth is good. It's going to be a heck of a process to get there. But the most important part about setting that milestone for yourself is that it is meaningful to you. That's why we use the terminology lantern for it because unless that milestone is shedding more light on your life, bringing you more joy, Insight fulfillment, it will be empty. You may not think so right now you're like, oh, but I'm only at 3 million I want to get to 1010 is going to be so great. When you get to 10, you'll realize that it's not that different from the three, you're still going to have the same challenges that might be of different types or different people involved. But there's no point at which you just arrive, and everything is good. So starting with your definition, and knowing why it matters to you who you want to become, in order to light that lantern, is the foundation for not ruining your life in the process.

Erin Aquin  5:34  
And this is actually what I wanted to say when you mentioned sort of the that often we like hear these stories from male founders and business owners about how they like, reached this crazy revenue number and then got a divorce. And that yes, there are women who have that same story, I want to just also emphasize that when we're saying ruining your life, it doesn't mean like leaving a relationship that is no longer working. There are plenty of times where people do definitely grow apart, and it has nothing to do with one person, overworking or one person getting more successful. Sometimes, you know, I think relationships run their course. And I don't think I just like we're talking about external success as being business oriented. I don't think the hallmark of internal success or personal success is like being married. So I just want to say that because I know plenty of very happy, single and successful people, some of whom have had relationships, some of them who've never really felt called to like, have a commitment in that way. I just want to like high five you for creating your definition of success, inwardly and outwardly. That has nothing to do with in the traditional way we think that like a partner completes our lives. So just wanted to touch on that, because I'm aware that especially maybe not so much for men, but maybe more for women, I think we sometimes get a lot of questions like if we really have at all and we have kids and a marriage, and that is so not true. So just standing in solidarity for my single childless friends, and colleagues and clients, you will probably have really thought deeply about your definition of success. And I just want to apply that as a sidebar here.

Steve Haase  7:26  
Are you saying I don't complete you? Know, I love it. That's that's such a great point. Because just as society kind of holds out an ideal of the successful entrepreneur, I also hold out the ideal of the successful family, you know, you've got your life partner, and your children or pets or whatever the heck that that vision that has been implanted into your mind, this process of questioning, what do you want that vision to look like, is such a big deal. It's such a big deal. Most people don't do it. And that's why they put on the blinders of doom, and they rush towards whatever that vision of perfection they think they should have. So you will know that you might be tending towards this or you might be on that path. If you take important things in your life for granted. That might be your health, that might be a relationship that you want to maintain. That might be your business growth. If there is something that, you know, seems fine, it's just kind of trucking along. It'll be there no problem. I just got to really get after this. Next, next big goal kind of crush my targets. I encourage you to press pause. We're still in the throes of January, everyone's got their New Year's resolutions, if you still have them, right, like 24 is going to be different man, I'm going to grow my business like crazy. If you're doing at the expense of other things that you do not want to lose, it's time to press pause and do a little thinking.

Erin Aquin  9:03  
And I know for most of our people in our world, most of our listeners, it's kind of innocent. It's not like you're doing it on purpose, saying well, you know, that those kids will be there. No need to spend time with them. They're only 500 Just spend time with them now. They'll be around for a while. I think it's I think it's so easy to tell yourself a story that the way things are today is how they're always going to be. And nothing could be further from the truth. Like let's get spiritual here for a second. today. Is all you've got. This moment right now is the one you're in 10 minutes from now. life could be different. A year from now life will be different. Those those kids like Think about this with our our children. They're at a point right now our kids are six and eight. They love spending time with us. They love showing us what they did at school. They just like nothing makes my daughter last night, Steve was away at an event. He had a he had an evening event to go to. And I was home with the kids. And we were watching a movie. And Audrey like laid on my lap. And she was like, can you just rub my back while we watch this movie, and I was rubbing her back. And she said, this is the best day ever. This is the best day. And I just thought like, we are at a point in our lives with our children where all they want to do is like it's so simple. They just want to watch a movie, have their back rubbed snow up. And things will probably not stay the same. i It breaks my I've like getting sad. I'm like I know there's maybe when they're teenagers, they won't want me to like snuggle them, what's probably going to happen. But if I'm just sitting on my phone, answering emails that I shouldn't be answering, because I don't I mean, I don't do that. But like if one were to be answering emails and have their laptop open on the couch, while watching me with the kids, that moment gets missed. And that's the only moment we are guaranteed. Yeah,

Steve Haase  11:28  
way to get spiritual with it. The idea of ruining your life is not necessarily some cataclysmic moment. It's how you're dealing with each moment. Whether you are creating what you would consider as you look back on your life to be success, or whether you are in some big but more likely small way. getting in the way of that. Oftentimes, we are our own biggest headwind, not because we're trying to self sabotage, right? A lot of people get down on themselves. You're like, oh, well, I'm always self sabotaging. I think that there's too much intention behind that phrase. It's more because we're not bringing attention to the moment. We're just kind of living on autopilot. And then after a couple of years, you say, Oh, I ruined my life. So the moment of leverage is this moment where you can ask, Am I creating success? Am I moving towards my next lantern? Am I creating the conditions for my lantern to be lit? Or is it? Am I doing things that are against that?

Erin Aquin  12:41  
That is really important, because sometimes it's a cataclysmic, I ruined my life moment. But more often than not, it's not actually being present to the opportunity in front of you. Because you think that, like you're mistaking something as important that isn't like an email at nine o'clock at night, from a client? Maybe you have a business where you have to respond to that. But if you don't, then is it more important to snuggle your kid or respond to that message? If you choose to respond to something that's not as important as the opportunity in front of you? Well, you're never going to have that opportunity with your kid in quite that way. And quite that moment ever again. So I'm aware that it like sounds a little bit intense in some ways. But I actually think it is I think this is really important. It's so easy to just get lulled into this sense that these moments are always going to be available to us, when the truth is, they absolutely will not.

Steve Haase  13:52  
And this is true across every element of your life. You know, let's say you don't have kids, let's say you don't even have a partner, let's say at nine o'clock at night, it's just you in your place. Let's say you're in excellent health, being able to appreciate that. And kind of recognizing the success that you've created or the success that you're enjoying, simply by having excellent health, being in a home. Having people that love you. That is one very powerful definition of success, that most people don't even let themselves experience. They're chasing some revenue number, they're chasing some business growth number, and they miss the fact that, you know, it feels just fine for me to sit here. I've had back injuries before and it does not feel fine to sit there when you have a back injury. You know, anytime you've ever experienced ill health. That's the moment you realize, oh my god, what a blessing it is to be well, what a blessing it is to be alive. And so the question of six That's creating success without ruining your life is to actually recognize all the ways in which you are experiencing success right now, you can that can take the form of a gratitude journal. Earlier today I was in a session where I was paired up with a new person. And the question that we asked each other was, what do you appreciate about yourself? Or what do you love about yourself. And they would just ask that and listen. And it was an amazing experience, but one that I was prepared for, because I will often sit down with my journal, and just write what I'm grateful for. And I don't skip the small stuff. I'm like, I am strong. Not that I can benchpress 500 pounds, but that I can pick up my kids and I can throw them around, and I can run up a hill, like I'm just in good health overall. And that's something that's easy to overlook, because why wouldn't I be, but it's easy not to be. So success can look like any of 10,000 different things in your life right now. And spending some time with them can build that feeling of gratitude of superabundance of being blessed being in the right place at the right time.

Erin Aquin  16:14  
Yeah, and if the definition of success, you don't, if you don't have one for you, I'm going to share mine. My definition of success is positively impacting the people who are connected with me. While I enjoy my life, it's just as much about me having fun, and having a pleasurable, awesome life, as it is about other people. It's not one or the other. And, Steve, to your point, talking and thinking and expressing gratitude is, I think it's like the key to prosperity. I mean, there's a lot of there's a lot of people that teach this, but I think about the week we've had, we kicked off our Superabound coach certification, and we invited our alumni group to come and join the first workshop. And many of them came, it added so much energy to the program. And I just thought, this is impact. This is like they this group, this first group enjoyed it so much, they wanted to be there and do it again, with us. And today, I was teaching inside of my low, it's a low cost membership, it's $29 a month. It's not coaching or for business people exclusively. But it's called your magical life. And it is a membership where I teach some of the more esoteric and mystical practices. The magic part of life really, we did today in there, I did a yoga nidra inspired meditation called deep awareness practice. We did a visionary working session where folks got on the call and decided what they were going to accomplish in an hour. And then they went and did it. And I heard that some of our students exceeded that, which is amazing. And then I just took folks through the process I use to plan out my year of self care, self investment, vacations, workouts, all of those big important things that keep me feeling successful as I do my work in the world. And that was to help inspire other folks in the membership to do the same. And to really get to think about how self care is not something that other people can do for us it is something we need to actively participate in and plan and make the space for. So I am feeling so successful this week, because I was able to have an impact in both one of our highest higher end programs and in something that's accessible to anyone who wants to spend $29 a month. So that to me, is a definition of success. And in in we had a client here last weekend to do a VIP retreat. And all the while I have maintained my sleep. I have done all my workouts. I've had that beautiful moment with my kids last night like I am enjoying my life deeply. I feel like the most successful person in the world.

Steve Haase  19:43  
And that's what we want for you. But $10 million revenue milestone that you have or 100 million or wherever it's set. Those are awesome. You're totally going to get there we can help you will coach you will coach your team. But the thing that really matters Is why that milestone is important to you and what else needs to be there for that to be a true lantern in your life, and not just something that you can get on the cover of Forbes four? Yeah,

Erin Aquin  20:11  
I mean, I'd like to see someone on the cover of Forbes for making $10 million in their company this year. And doing it working three days a week and having an amazing life. That's who I want to see. And that is really our specialty. It isn't just about helping you hit the revenue lanterns, it's about helping you do it in a way where you as a human and the humans who work with you are also cared for and nourished. My This is my my most bold thing I will say about this as a coach personally, but also why we share so much of our personal life. Please do not take business advice from anyone who has ruined their inner life in order to achieve the appearance of success. People can give you a lot of advice and feel very confident about it. But if they don't have a life that you would want, consider while you're listening to them, I am so committed to with you, Steve, at Superabound, helping people find their own way to both the outward success and the inner success that they want. That is what makes us different. If that is interesting to you, that is who we coach, and you can find out more about our work, you can find out all of the fun things we are up to including our brand new and free book club that Steve is hosting and it's happening now. You can find out everything that we've talked about in today's show over at besuperabound.com/podcast. This is episode number 275. And when you click into that, you'll find out everything that we've been chatting about today. We would love to hear from you. And hope to see you inside the Superabound collective. It's all waiting for you over in the show notes. Have a beautiful week. Take care.