253: When Other People Are The Problem

Episode Transcript

Steve Haase  0:01  
Welcome to the Superabound podcast with master coaches Erin Aquin and Steve Haase where business owners like you learn tools that help you clarify vision, clear up static and overcome challenges. You are listening to episode number 253: When Other People Are The Problem, we are coming to you live from inside the Superabound Collective today

Erin Aquin  0:23  
which is our community for business owners and leaders where we do lots of fun things like live podcast sometimes. So welcome, everybody. Thank you for joining us. And if you're listening to the podcast, and you're not already, in the Superabound collective, you can head over to be superabound.com/collective. So that you can get in on this and have us answer your questions. Share your your amazing moments and really be part of what we think of as a pretty magical community of business owners.

Steve Haase  1:00  
Absolutely. So let's dive in. It's a juicy one, when other people are the problem, and when are they not, let's be honest. But my joke about it is actually kind of at the heart, which is if you're a leader, and you're running a business or a team, the moment you point your finger to say here, there they are, they're the problem. I'm gonna use the old The old adage that when one finger is pointing up, three more are pointing back at you. So the what we're going to dive into today are all the ways in which thinking other people are the problem is actually blocking you from leadership genius, and from really bringing them along on the journey that that they signed up for. Right? We're talking about people on your team, maybe people around your company, people that you are directly engaging with and need to collaborate with, and all the ways that we can kind of trip ourselves up when we're doing that.

Erin Aquin  1:57  
And we also want to acknowledge that it's, it's easy to think other people are the problem. When someone is bringing you their static, when they're saying, you know, I was thinking about this this morning, there was a business owner that I used to work with. And he really believed that to write a blog post took a full workweek, he had this whole kind of situation. And then his big complaint about his business was that it was growing very slowly. And I was like, No, it's because you take a whole week to write a blog post this is back when blogs were like a really big this is a while ago, but you're static about something is often just something that you believe is true. It's just a belief that you have. And when someone on your team thinks that writing a proposal takes four days, and you're sitting there thinking oh my gosh, no, it takes an hour and a half this kind of can create conflicts, because you just wish that they would change the way that they thought. And they just wish you would be more understanding. This is how we get into all sorts of interpersonal dynamics and trouble with the people that we work with. But it's also why it's so easy to believe that other people are really the problem. Other people are holding you back,

Steve Haase  3:20  
right? Because you can see a blog post only takes an hour max, look at me do it. And so then when someone else is saying, No, it takes a week, you as perhaps as their leader or mentor would say, No, do it like this, here's how I do it, follow the instructions, and you'll be on your way. But what you're missing by kind of declaring how it should be or setting them right is a chance to actually understand where they're coming from, so that they can arrive for themselves at a new way of approaching the topic. And we're getting into the heart of the difference between managing and coaching, which is a topic that we're really excited about, we're going to be sharing more details about the upcoming coach certification that we're offering. But this is one of those skills, where when you notice someone is getting in their own way, saying that it takes you know, 10 days to do a proposal when actually you could probably do it and one, understanding where they're coming from, and what is actually in their way is going to be far more powerful for helping them evolve as a member of your team than you simply setting them right or saying No, do it in one. That's how you learn.

Erin Aquin  4:31  
Yeah, and I think this is why we do need more leaders who are trained in the art and the skill of coaching because if you come up against someone else's static and you say this thing you're taking 10 days to do actually only takes a day and a half, go get it done. Then you are now actually not only are you leaving their static, totally intact but you're actually amplifying it and in their eyes Like it or not, you become the asshole, you become the problem in their mind, you become the issue that like I have the worst boss, they're so rude and they don't understand. And they just think it magically happens in a day and a half. So if you're not willing to step into someone started with them, understand it, help walk them to a more clearer place, and then address the challenges that they may be facing. You are actually creating an even bigger problem, sorry to say, yeah.

Steve Haase  5:33  
And in the evolution of your own leadership, shifting from seeing other people as the problem to seeing their static as opportunities for you to grow, for you, to be more clear for you to create more connections with people is a crucial step. Because if it's just their static, and it's just their problem, then you know, the solution is you just hired bad people, you got bozos on your team? And what are you going to do just hope they get with the program. But if you shift to actually seeing this as an opportunity for you to be more creative for you to be more inspiring about what the vision is, and where people are going, and why why their work matters. And why it matters that they do it in one day rather than 10, then that becomes an opportunity for you to grow as a leader and potentially have still made good hires, and for there to be a lot of upside for for where the people on your team can grow as well.

Erin Aquin  6:31  
Yeah, because the second you believe that other people are the problem, you have zero power, you're just stuck with this team of terrible people, like I wish I could go back in time and have asked them different questions in the interview, or I wish I had, like, listen to that red flag, all of these things, when the truth is, you probably didn't hire a terrible people this, and you might not like this, but you probably just didn't train them and coach them. And now the culture is one of less efficiency, where people don't think of the results as being really important that they're not like really going towards the lanterns because they know that everybody's just doing the bare minimum.

Steve Haase  7:16  
Yeah. Which brings us to the next point, which is, when you take you're not like taking on other people's static, but when you embrace it, rather than push against it, you find ways to gain wisdom from it. And so in the instance that Erin was just mentioning, maybe the wisdom you discover is that you didn't onboard people well enough, maybe the wisdom you discover is that they're not connected with the vision, and they don't have a sense of urgency for themselves. And maybe the wisdom is that they are able to access a sense of urgency, but not in this case, because you're not connecting with what actually motivates them. There are so many puzzle pieces that you can put together as a leader, when you're working with someone from a place of collaboration, and curiosity, rather than from a place of direction like like just directing. This is what you do. And frustration, which honestly, many leaders work from those places. They're frustrated with their people, and they tell them what to do. And then they wonder why it just gets worse. And this is why is because your own static is thinking they're the problem, rather than here's an opportunity, what have I missed? What can we help level as a team? And how can we grow from this rather frustrating moment?

Erin Aquin  8:39  
And I know some people are going to hear that. And they're going to think how on earth am I supposed to go from frustrated to interested and curious and like all of these vary, especially like I'm very curious about what I did wrong in the training process. It doesn't sound like that would be a fun time. But that is exactly why we are inviting you all to join our certification program. Because when you take the position as a coach, and that is your leadership style is coaching, you actually start to relate to those feelings of frustration a little differently. And I'll share you know, my experience of this is I kind of think about you as a business owner, not just as a coach, but when I'm thinking about issues in my business that I get frustrated with I now and like ooh, frustration. Ooh, the frustration alarms going off. Instead of saying, Oh, not this again. I should know better. Or oh, why is this problem keep happening? I now start to relate to it. Not always I'm still human. But I have learned and trained myself. This is something you you don't learn this naturally. This is a training exercise that we will be doing a lot of inside the certification. But I've trained him myself to say, this frustration is like a fire alarm, it is alerting me to the smoke that is somewhere. And if I don't go address that smoke, I'm going to have a really big problem on my hands. It is a way of training yourself to move towards the things that don't necessarily feel good with the understanding that if you address them, now, you're going to solve something that could be a much bigger problem in the future. And you might even get some wisdom from that. I'm a common thing. If you for all of my clients, you've heard me say this before, but doubt, fear, worry, concern. Those are like, sometimes they're your marketing director. They're the things that when you're worried about something happening in your business or on your team, maybe don't push that away. Maybe instead, ask what could be there that I'm not seeing? How should I prepare for that possibility. If something feels off about the way a team member is responding in a meeting, maybe don't just ignore it, maybe don't just push it under the rug. Instead, it might be time to book a one on one and say, I've noticed this thing that keeps happening in the meetings and something about it just isn't sitting well with me. And I wanted to make this space and time available so that if you have some static that that you're sitting in right now that we could talk about it together.

Steve Haase  11:38  
That's brilliant. You're pointing to the fundamental shift from reactive, protected leadership to proactive bridge building coaching leadership. And that is when you feel frustration, or when you hear yourself thinking, What's their problem, you don't immediately believe those things, you actually see those as, okay, here's my chance to put my leader hat on, can take time to evolve, I'm going to evolve into my coach leader self and maybe come up with whatever image that is for you what came to me as a Strong Oak tree, right? Maybe your giant tree that's giving oxygen and shade and beauty to the world around you.

Erin Aquin  12:22  
Mine is like a Sherlock Holmes hat and a little magnifying glass.

Steve Haase  12:27  
And put on the hat and a magnifying glass curious, right that's that's the come up with your own image, your own avatar, for who you become when you feel frustration, who you become when you think what's wrong with that person pointing the finger. Because that shift allows you to step out step out of the kind of instinctive human reaction that we have to these kinds of strong emotions. And actually, let us discover what's happening in the whole system of our business, because your business is a complex system consisting of lots of human beings. And so when you seek to understand those human beings, that is how you understand more about what's happening in your business, you will either understand, oh, they don't care, they don't belong, they aren't living up to the values. And so then we need to part ways or they do care, they are living up to the values in their own way. And we just need to change, perhaps something about onboarding or something about how we approach writing proposals or whatever the thing that they get are stuck on is

Erin Aquin  13:35  
another image that I really love to use is anytime you're in the personal static, of believing that someone else is the problem. And feeling powerless because of that. You're in tunnel vision. So the thing to do in that moment is to imagine yourself as an owl, who can turn their head very, very far in in both directions. And understand that this is a moment of your own static, that's a limiting you from seeing all of the creative possibilities that are available if you just scanned your head from side to side.

Steve Haase  14:19  
Yeah. So you can use the owl metaphor as well. Now, what makes this tricky, is that you need to go somewhere, your business has a purpose, and that purpose is paramount. If someone is feeling overworked, and you just say fine. Take you know the time you need everyone. In fact, everyone just work halftime, everyone cut your hours in half. I don't want anyone to feel overworked. Your business will suffer. You need to be able to achieve you need to be a little light the lanterns that you've set out for your business while also bringing In all the perspectives of the people that are helping you like those lanterns, and so it's a delicate balance between being open to all the feedback, all the criticism, when you're really experiencing other people's static, it can feel like swimming upstream, but you still need to get upstream. And so that is where a lot of people will say, Hey, what are you talking about? I can't just listen to people who say they need 10 days when it has to be done in one, it just has to be done in one. There's a delicate balance between knowing we need to move quickly. And there's something in the way,

Erin Aquin  15:40  
yeah, if I can just add to that a little bit. You want to know, when you're in static, you want to identify when other people are in their own static, but you don't want to go to the stream of believing in people static. You don't want to say okay, well, maybe I'm wrong, maybe it should take 10 days.

Steve Haase  16:01  
That's why you actually get curious about what the static is. And this is a fundamental skill of coaching that we'll be sharing in the certification, which is being completely open to someone's perspective and experience in service of them growing towards the next higher capacity within themselves. And so when you open yourself up to feedback, criticism, when you get in that stream and swim upstream, you are not believing in people static, you're simply allow making room for it. Knowing that your vision is stronger than anything that people can put in your way than anything that might be happening for people on your team.

Erin Aquin  16:48  
Yeah, you're making room for it without believing that what they think is necessarily true. So this is this is the when you say it's like a tricky thing, it's a fine line. That is why we will be training you on it. That is not something you can just figure out in your own head. It takes a lot of practice. And it takes feedback to figure out your unique way of making room for people static without responding to it. And taking away from the lantern that you're there to like. It's a way of becoming I think more collaborative as a leader rather than rigid, telling people how it is becoming mean, becoming an asshole. As a leader, we don't want that for you. And we're going to teach you really how to get in there with somebody about their static, unlock them and help guide them towards a clear frequency.

Steve Haase  17:50  
It's a powerful thing. Because when people are tuned into their own clear frequency, that's when you get their genius, you will not get someone's best work. If you simply say proposal should take one day, you can get better work. If you say proposal should take one day, use this system, here's what's going to help you. Right, that's kind of the next step. But when you really understand where they're coming from, and then help them see for themselves why that vision matters to themselves into what it is that they want, then you're gonna get far more than someone who will paint by numbers and follow the rulebook, you will get someone who is actually moving towards that lantern for themselves, even though it's a lantern for the whole company. And that's when you have real magic in your business. Because you've understood what is motivating people. And here's the thing, the paycheck is never the motivator. No one is motivated by the paycheck, they might be motivated by the things they can do with the paycheck. But ultimately, if you're going to be spending, the better part of your day, better part of your life doing work. People want that to be meaningful, they want meaning. So your ability to tap into what they find meaningful. And connect that with the vision that you have for the company, is how you turn that you know swimming upstream into your own hydro electricity. It's how you turn it into real power for your business.

Erin Aquin  19:20  
And you know, we're we're spending a lot of time on some of these past few episodes and definitely today talking about you can have the benefit of being able to coach others for the company. For those people. It sounds very altruistic. But I also want to highlight that what's good for your team is good for you. When you create a team of people who can solve problems who speak in the language of understanding that there are static issues and their challenge issues and they know the diff Since for themselves when they're in one versus the other, and they know how to support themselves, they know how to how to support each other as a team, they know that you are a resource for them, but you are not the person they call when when one little shaky thing happens, it will make your life and your work better, because then you can actually do the thing that you're supposed to be doing, which is holding the vision, which is pointing towards the lantern, which is coaching and unlocking more people on your team, you as a leader, I hope and I wish this for you. Whether you're a leader in someone else's business, or a leader in your own business, I wish for you to have more time to actually be that visionary, to use your creative power to do more in your business and in your life of what you love. And the best. And I think most fun path towards that is helping the people around you rise for each and all that. But that is why we have the you know, I know there are, I'll just I'll just share, I know there are so many different certifications and leadership programs and coaching things out there. But the the really special thing that we are here to do through the Superabound Coach Certification is help that it's just a gap that we see where we coach, so many fantastic people who are in leadership, which I think is great. I think every coach needs a coach, every leader needs a coach. But if those people don't know how to turn around, and re articulate and teach those tools and support the people around them, they are still going to have all of the drama. And they're going to think other people are the problem. They're going to say, you know, we actually talked to somebody about this a couple of months ago, who said I have a coach, I It's definitely not me, that's a problem. My mindset is really great. And then went on to tell us how his team's not coachable. And people around him are just don't want, they just will all want to do the bare minimum. And I don't know how we've managed to hire only people who don't want to really do their job. Hmm.

Steve Haase  22:21  
Sherlock Holmes

Erin Aquin  22:23  
was on the case. And I mean, I will reserve my judgments about whatever kind of coaching that person is doing. But probably he didn't have the tools to turn around and actually coach his people. I mean, I know we didn't.

Steve Haase  22:41  
So what we want for you is to be able to take some of these nuggets of wisdom, try them out for yourself, see how they work in your team. And if you want to go deeper with it, join us for the coach certification. It's going to be a four month program where you don't just learn these things, but you actually practice them with us. And this is just one of the tools it's going to be a whole range of things that will help you evolve as a leader so that you can experience the benefit of coaching and then bring that benefit to others on your team as you coach them as well. So to learn more about it and to get on a no obligation 20 minute call with us to discuss it if you would like head over to be superabound.com/certification and we would love to see you there.

Erin Aquin  23:29  
Thanks everybody who was able to be here with us live today. It's so nice to be in the space with you inside the Superabound collective. We cannot wait for the next time. We'll talk to you all again soon. Take care

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