288: The Power of Being Alone

Erin Aquin  0:01  
Welcome to the Superabound podcast with master coaches Erin Aquin and Steve Haase, where business owners like you learn tools that help you clarify vision, clear up static and overcome challenges. You are listening to episode number 288: The power of being alone. Hello, what a weird title. So on today's episode, we want to share one of our most important and sometimes most challenging tools for success. It may not seem like it, but being alone, and giving yourself the time and the space to do things that are intentionally nourishing for you really matter, especially if you are in charge of a lot of people, a lot of results, a lot of output in all of the different areas of your life. Now, I know sometimes when I say this, the extroverts in the room will start to scream, they think no, I don't want to be alone. I don't they thinking that it makes that they're going to be lonely, or that they're going to be bored. And so I am joined for this episode by my favorite extrovert, Steve Harvey, who, you know, if I'm being honest, cannot go for a walk around the block without talking to 10 people, it's just not possible. So he is going to also share how being alone has been a really powerful tool for him. And we will also invite you to a 30 day challenge that's gonna help you actually use that alone time in a really soulful way, you can learn more about the 30 Day Challenge and our membership over at besuperabound.com/life. It's a lot of fun in there. It is a low cost, low commitment membership, where you can join when you want to and cancel anytime if it's not really for you. So, we hope you will check out our solo solo challenge that is coming up. If you're listening to this shortly after it is recorded. And you know if you're listening to this somewhere in the future, Hello future people. Everything in that membership is waiting for you as well. So you can actually do this even in the future. Alright, let's dive in and talk about the power of being alone. Just know that as we are talking, this is something we are always working on. This is not something we've perfected that we're like, giving to you from on high having figured it all out perfectly in our lives. But I think it is important it is something that we've we grapple with constantly and when we don't do it, we feel it. Yeah, I'm feeling it right now.

Steve Haase  3:14  
We're gonna talk about the power of being alone. Being alone, you usually think of that as a bad thing. It's, you're often equate alone with lonely and lonely is rarely a good feeling. That's kind of one of those thumbs down emotions and nobody wants. But being alone is is neutral. It doesn't necessarily mean good or bad. It's often gets a bad rap, but we're gonna talk about why it's a powerful thing.

Erin Aquin  3:44  
I grew up I'm an only child so I grew up being alone a lot, you know, and I definitely have memories of like being in the like, toy area. And just be like I'm so bored. I wish I had a friend I wish I had a sibling I wish I had someone to play with. I didn't always like the kind of forced being alone. But as an entrepreneur, as a business owner, as a leader. As I know a lot of people watching and listening are when you are the one generating so much of your life and your livelihood where people are looking to you for the answers whether you're there are people on your team or whether they're your customers, your clients. It's really easy to start self identifying through the lens of like how other people see you. I mean, I think we all do this as humans, being socialized as a woman. This is definitely very true for me like I for so many years. And still still today. Look at my own self worth sometimes through how other people see me. Yeah And in some ways, that's a way we have evolved to be humans together who can work together and collaborate. You know, if you're an asshole nobody wants to work with, you're probably not going to be all that successful. But it has a downside, if your only, the only thing you know about yourself is through the lens of how other people see you or what other people think about you or their opinions of you. And I have seen so many clients, I know you probably do have to, who get really stuck in sort of the cardboard cutout version of themselves that other people see.

Steve Haase  5:45  
So this idea of trying to shape yourself so that you can live up to an image that you want other people to experience is exhausting. It is a cause for deep unhappiness. Because you're not actually working with your own materials. You're not working with what you bring to the world. And what you can do that nobody else can do. You're actually trying to fit into some other version, but you think you should be. And so the experience, my moments of deepest happiness have come when I realized that I am fine. I am great. I am self contained, as I am and I don't need to be anything different. Anything more, any one to anybody, other than what I am right now. I actually had a dream the other night I my first career was in music, I was a trumpet player. And I had I still play trumpet, but you know, I don't see it as my identity anymore. And in this dream, I was playing. And I had this guy was with my best best buddy at the time, we were inseparable trumpet buddies, there was a thing, you got your trumpet buddies. And in the dream, I started playing, and it sounded just like me, I stopped trying to make it sound like anything. And I was just like, You know what, I'm just going to make it sound like me what was was my thought, and the relaxation and relief and like, oh my god, what am I doing? Is this okay? That was happening. Was was surprising, but it was also very deep and grounded. And I just thought of that dream right now is we're talking about this and that that experience of, I'm not going to do anything more than me. Which is actually really significant. And as I was making that music in my dream, I felt this is everything. This is what I've been searching for the whole time. This is the sound I've been looking for the whole time. Typical supernait messages from the Dreamland. Yeah.

Erin Aquin  7:57  
Um, and as we're kind of thinking about this. It's a really interesting thing, because people sometimes will hear the, the esoteric sort of mystical breads in all of in all of this and say, okay, but like, how? Because what do we do when we're typically alone? Pick up the phone, turn on the TV. Those of us who, who really do self identify with our work, are gonna like, get on the computer and start creating I'm very guilty of this is what I do. I'm like, Okay, I have 20 minutes of space. Let me write a blog post. Let me brainstorm a thing. Let me create a new class. So I have this membership is a low cost membership. And one of the things that I've noticed coming up for people who are in there, you know, they're very soulful, we touch on a lot of different things, meditation, yoga, magic, mysticism. All for the sake of how can we be better at self investing? How can we see our own existence as good enough without having to always be producing an accomplishment, accomplishing? And I think one of the biggest challenges that I've identified for folks inside of that program is they want to be doing all of these things, but most of them have not trained themselves to be okay being alone, or even if they love alone time. It has to be like filled with something that's like a distraction in some way. It's not actually truly being alone with themselves. Why they just haven't figured out how to make that time in their life, which is the boat that I was in When, when we first we had our first child, I went from this, this only child forever to getting in a relationship with someone, I was in other relationships too. But I mean, when we got married, suddenly I'm like, Okay, I live with this person. And, like, who am I in this relationship, and then suddenly I was pregnant, and I was living with somebody full time, 24 hours a day, didn't really want me to sleep. And then suddenly, here, she was in the world, and I was with her every second of every day for, you know, for a lot of the time, and it was a really big identity shift, to say, Who am I when I'm not alone, who am I, in context of these relationships? It was, it was actually really hard for me not to have spacious, intentional time alone. So a few years ago, this was during lockdown when we were always all together again, we started this practice called solo soul time. And it I think it was actually easier to do during that period, because we were home alone all our home together all the time. And we would go and spend an hour out in our yoga barn. Each of us would have at least an hour a day, to meditate to do yoga, to just take a nap to sit and think to really have the space to be with ourselves without wearing the parent hat or the partner hat or the business owner hat. It was a really intentional thing. And I realized that when I shared that with people, they were not necessarily in a relationship that valued that soul time, solo soul time. Steve and I used to meditate for at least an hour a day. So it wasn't as big of a stretch. And so what we're doing in the membership next month is I'm giving everybody a little challenge to create that time, whatever length it is for them can be 15 minutes of solo solo time a day, but making it a consistent non negotiable act of self investment, where during that time, they all do something that we would consider a sustaining ritual.

Steve Haase  12:32  
Yeah, so you can learn all about that and join the membership. So you can be part of that challenge at besuperabound.com/life. The membership is called the Superabound Life. And it is a place where we do things like this, where we get a sense of what people are looking for what would sustain their energy, their spirit, their inspiration, ours as well, and create that container. Because as powerful it is, as it is to be alone. As humans, we thrive on connection, right, we were created to connect and understand and commune and to create things together. And so having a container, having a community where that energy is present, and you have that support makes all the difference. I'm doing a 30 day challenge in the different community as well. And just that experience of saying, Okay, I'm going to do this, and having someone else say, Yeah, me too. There's a connection that spans time and space. And as I'm going through my day, the awareness of my commitment of my friends commitment, and the fact that we're doing this thing, not just because we said we would but because we know that it will make all the difference in our stability in our creativity in our spaciousness and just enjoyment of our lives. makes it so that I find time for it. Even if it's at the very end of the day, or the very beginning of the day, like you just use that little shift of mindset creates time. Because you suddenly prioritize something that before was just oh, that's on the list. I'll get to it eventually. I guess I don't have time. That experience of thinking you don't have time and feeling victimized by your own busyness is so disempowering. And something as small as carving out that alone time is going to send a signal to yourself, that you are not so busy that you can't take care of yourself, that actually you have some control, you have some agency, and then with that commitment, you actually have evidence, but the truth of that as well.

Erin Aquin  14:52  
I think that's really powerful that you say that because Steve, I don't know if you all know this, Steve's an extrovert, Steve thrives being around under other people, he cannot go for a walk around the block without striking up five conversations. So, you know, it sounds like for I know, for extroverts or me, like, I don't want to spend time alone, I've did alone, we did alone for a couple years there. What you could think of this in a different way is maybe your solo solo time, maybe your challenge is spending time with yourself socially, like you can go for a walk, but maybe you go for a walk with your headphones. And so you're not communicating too much with the world. But you're just enjoying your own company. The whole point, I mean, there's so many benefits to it. Because whatever you do with that time, hopefully, is something that nourishes you. But one of the benefits that we spoke about at the beginning, is, it's a way to really see who you are, when you don't have the reference point of all the roles you play around you. It's actually a very spiritual exercise. Who am I when I'm not accomplishing when I'm not working hard when I'm not putting on the various hats I wear? Who am I to me? And for most of us, we don't know, we don't know, because we've never really given ourselves that space.

Steve Haase  16:31  
Even as you ask the question, you kind of feel that current of presence in the question, right? The Who am I without accomplishing? I feel a sense of ease, a sense of spaciousness,

Erin Aquin  16:48  
I feel a sense of. I don't love that question. It feels uncomfortable. For me. It's why meditations always felt like seedless meditation without any particular task to do without a mantra without a visualization has always felt a little uncomfortable. It's very good for me. But it's always been uncomfortable, because I do so often relate my worth and my identity to what I'm accomplishing what I'm doing for other people, how people are receiving the work I do in the world. Yeah. Which is not bad. But if that was the only reference point I was using, I'd be missing a whole other part of the story.

Steve Haase  17:36  
There's a big part of the story. And, and the experience of connecting with it and deepening that connection. Knowing your own worth beyond any any of your ties in the world is so empowering, right. And so in this title, the power of being alone, to me, that's one of the big anchor points, that's one of the pillars of this idea is that being able to be alone, and just enjoy your own self, without any interaction with any of your senses, even any of your thoughts is it's liberating. It's empowering, you realize, like, you don't need anything else. And the interesting thing is, it doesn't prevent you from doing in the world. It doesn't mean you're going to stop. Some people are afraid to like, but if I think I'm fine without doing anything else, I'll stop working, and what will happen to my business and my life. And I'll be, you know, lying in the gutter broke. So I shouldn't ever meditate. But it's not going to happen. Because when you open your eyes, it still

Erin Aquin  18:55  
might happen. But it hasn't happened to us where I've never heard it happen to anyone I know. who meditated. And you're speaking about this from the angle of like, maybe your alone time is in meditation, where you are not connecting with your senses. It doesn't necessarily have to be that it can be you know, there's something I have wanted to give myself that I never seem to have the time for. So for my alone time today, maybe I will be reading a book on something I've wanted to learn for a long time. Like maybe there will be something maybe you're like me and you need to feel like you are doing something to ease into this as a practice. I my alone time is pretty packed and I do an hour of solo solo time. I'm often doing some spiritual practice I might be studying for some. I mean a couple of different spiritual courses right now I might be studying for that I might be journaling and maybe thinking deeply I might be doing revisionary practice, but I always, always try to at least put in a little bit of time where I can be still and meditate and not have it be goal or lintern oriented. So we're gonna guide you through this, if it's something that you want to learn, and really see if there's any anything there for you, which I know there is something there for you. But if you're willing to like, find out what that is, we're going to guide you and I've, I've seen a lot of challenges out in the world, I've heard I've participated in sum. And one of the things I think, I think this is going to make ours really powerful is we have one person who is fairly comfortable being alone, and has figured out even as an extrovert, how to take that time and make that space. And we have someone who I'm pointing out myself, for those of you listening, who does find it to be a struggle, and will be really tricky, and like talk myself out of my own time as just a habit. And so I think it's helpful when you're doing something new, that you have perspectives, not just from people who are like, it's great, you should try it. But you actually have someone who understands the challenges the way that I do.

Steve Haase  21:32  
What Erin is saying is you're going to get lots of support, it's going to be a great time, it's going to be revelatory, you're going to learn new things about yourself and about your life and what matters to you all from being alone. That's why we named this the power of being alone, sometimes the best ideas, the biggest insights, the deepest piece just comes from, not much. We need to make room for it.

Erin Aquin  21:55  
Not and not that this is the point. But I will share that one of my clients was alone on a vacation for a few days, recently, and sent me a business idea that I think is going to be an insane success in her love for her life and for all the people that she's going to touch. And she was like, Oh, I was alone. And I was relaxed. I'm like, there is something to this. So if you're also feeling like your creative well hasn't been as, as giving. This is another really powerful tool to to get more done. Just in case, just in case you need a

Steve Haase  22:35  
reason. Look, we live in a world of getting things done. And that matters, too. So yeah, this feels that as well. You cannot light lanterns, if your flame is burnt out. Your flame is low if it's struggling and sputtering. So this will help you keep that burning bright as well. So we'd love to see you there. The link again is that besuperabound.com/life. And it is a 30 day challenge as part of the Superabound Life membership program.

Erin Aquin  23:08  
You can join just for the month. And if you don't love it, you don't have to stay. But all of our members who are in there are a lot of fun and very supportive. We have a really good time. And it's fun. It's actually really fun. I've been creating classes based on what people actually want to learn about, from the mystical and magical to just the practical, like how do we connect with a vision? And how do we stay inspired through all of the various practices that Steve and I are pretty well versed in. So we'd love to have you and if you have any questions you can of course reach out to our team. Hello at besuperabound.com and we'll answer those and get you all signed up for the challenge. Thanks,

Steve Haase  23:58  
everybody. Talk to you later. Have a great week.