Ep 42. Fall Cocktails and Coaching When You Are Tired

You can care deeply about your business without turning every tired day into evidence that you’re not cut out for it. In this episode, you’ll learn to recognize the expectations adding pressure to your life, and make room for a more supportive way forward.

Elana and Erin are welcoming fall with two generously spiced cocktails: Elana's apple cider bourbon with cinnamon and nutmeg, and Erin's improvised mulled wine with brandy, orange, and rather questionable measurements. Neither drink went quite to plan, which feels appropriate for a conversation about expectations.

If you’re running a business, you already wear plenty of hats. This conversation offers a chance to question the extra job you may have given yourself: being a human who never needs rest, comfort, or time to process life.

You’ll hear about:

• How to spot an expectation that feels so familiar you’ve mistaken it for a fact
• Why a difficult week doesn’t have to become a prediction about your entire future
• How considering your actual circumstances can soften self-criticism
• Why coaching-industry highlight reels can distort your expectations of building a business
• What’s missing from “feel the fear and do it anyway,” and how pausing can help you make a more thoughtful decision

There are also murder puzzles, fictional monsters, and a possible future detective agency. But the question underneath it all is simple: what changes when you stop making yourself wrong and get curious about what you need?

Connect with us:

Elana McKernan is a Master Certified Life and Creativity Coach who specializes in helping perfectionists create more by treating themselves better. Find her on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/elanamckernan/ and book a consultation at https://www.coachingwithelana.com/book-a-consult.

Erin Aquin is a Master Certified Life Coach and co-author of the #1 bestseller "Superabound: Live the Life the Universe is Dreaming For You." Read the book at https://besuperabound.com/book and book a consultation at https://besuperabound.com/consultation.

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Transcript

All right, hello. Welcome to the Coaching Mixer. It's uh Erin and Elena, Elena and Erin. That's me. Anyone who's listening can see I was like gesturing weirdly at Erin to And then I answered weirdly because I am also weird. We are weird. This is the weird podcast. Um Today we are drinking fall-inspired cocktails because it is like I don't know when people will actually hear this, but for us it's like on the cusp of summer to fall. So we were wanting to get into the spirit. Yes. Tell me what you're drinking. So um I was actually also a minute late trying to rescue my cocktail um because I kind of forgot about it until today and I made it an apple cider bourbon slightly um carbonated situation, but after I was like I have to make this a little more festive. So I'm like I'll just put some cinnamon on it and I didn't realize how quickly the cinnamon would come out. So there was like a layer of hydrophobic cinnamon on the top that like I was like literally trying to scoop out Yes. to make it uh something that I could actually drink. So it's still got a lot of cinnamon on there and then I just like threw on some nutmeg because why not? Because festive. Yes. Oh my gosh. Um What are you drinking? I'm so glad because I'm like this is such a disaster. This is a disaster in a glass. Ooh. I was like oh I had some wine that I opened the other day and it like was just not very good and I was like oh I will save this for the podcast um and I'll make mulled wine and I just went out bookstore with my kids and I'm like, oh, Steve, do you mind helping me? You're going to start it. And I was like out chatting with my neighbors and he's like telling like texting me like I'm a little bit behind and I'm like, oh, okay, so this is uh unmeasured mulled wine. So it's some amount of the bottle of red wine. Who knows the ratios? It was I threw in some brandy cuz it said brandy. I did have oranges. Also way too much cinnamon. That's some like star anise that I'm hoping I won't swallow. I'm pretty sure I filtered it out, but it was really bad and then I added sugar and the sugar helped, but Oh, okay. Sugar helps a lot of things. recommendation is is measure these things. Follow a recipe because winging the mulled wine is not Yeah, this is This is why I've never Yeah, cheers to us. We try. A little bit. I'm actually you know noticing There's such a layer of spices on top. I'm like and I put on chapstick before I came on here, so I'm like collecting like grimy spices on my lips as I drink. So watch this on YouTube as my teeth turn red.

We really make this appealing, don't we? Okay, but you do have a really good topic for us today and I was really excited with me. Okay. You want to share like where did this come from first of all cuz it's such a good Mhm. Yeah, I actually have a something of a not not a real story, but um so I noticed I um spent like 2 weeks visiting my family um visiting my parents specifically about 3 weeks ago and um at the time when I was there, I was just like, oh, this is fine. This is great. I'm visiting family. I'm staying with my parents. Um And then when I came home, I had like planned it so I would have a 3-day weekend before getting back to the swing of things at work. I was like, "I'm doing this whole travel thing like perfect and setting myself up to like be completely rejuvenated and jump into work and like, you know, hit the ground running." And of course what actually happened is that I got back and I felt like mentally and emotionally like I had been run over by a truck. Um and kind of physically, too. Yeah. And I was like so confused about what was going on. I was like, "Oh no, is this my new normal? Do I Am I just like doomed to never have energy? Am I like going to I You know, of course I was going like woe is me like Do I need to pack it in? Is coaching not for me anymore? Um And I didn't realize until the end of the week that that trip had actually taken a lot out of me. And um of course in retrospect, I'm like, "Yeah, of course it did." So um part of the trip was seeing my father for the first time after he'd had some pretty severe health issues. Um he like almost died unexpectedly in January and like it was very scary and he's still recovering and like very weak and you know, it was a lot to see him, but at the time I was just like la la la la la. This is like a totally normal visit. Um and on top like, you know, family is dynamics are always a lot. And so I realized you know, after a few days of being in my head like beating myself up like why am I not accomplishing more? What's going on here? What's the problem? I realized that I had expectations for myself that not only were like not rooted in any sort of reality, but like, they were actually kind of inhumane. Mhm. And like, weren't taking into the account the fact that I'm like, a human being who sometimes has feelings and needs time to process things and like, not a robot where it's just like, "Oh yes, I can like, shut down my software for a 3-day weekend and then come online and be like, as good as like, better than ever." Mhm. So, that just got me thinking, this is like kind of a long-winded way of saying topic that I was sharing with Aaron Shay, it was I thought it would be interesting to talk about expectations and how our expectations kind of like, play into our experience of things and like, can lead, like in this case, for me it led to a lot of suffering and it wasn't until I actually identified that I had these unconscious expectations of myself and that they weren't really rooted in reality, um that I could alleviate some of the pressure I was putting on myself and like, actually rest. And when I did that, I would like, now I've been like, 2 3 weeks out and I'm feeling a lot more like, back to what I would consider normal, but like, I wasn't going to get there if I had continued like, riding myself in that way and continued with those unexamined expectations. Um And I think this is something that comes up a lot with like, around business and with new business owners, like, they have a lot of expectations that I don't even know where they come from, but it's like, that they always be doing more, like, creating more results more quickly and that can feel really heavy and really draining and create a lot of suffering. So, I thought I wanted Yeah, I just wanted to like, raise the topic of expectations to see what your experiences are with them, how you like, relate to expectations and manage expectations and like if we found that certain expectations are actually like helpful and harmful like I just wanted to open up Yeah. conversation. I mean and we haven't like talked before before this. I'm I'm you know, I'm going through some weird stuff kind of like that and last night I was like laying in bed not sleeping. It was like 11:30. And I had a little bit of that narrative of just like oh I should be you know, my sleep shouldn't still be like this sometimes and I should be like like I was literally like arguing with the physiological process and arguing with like a little bit of insomnia and there had been some stuff that was like emotionally kind of tugging at me and I was like I should be using my tools. I should get up and journal about it and I should like I did that whole should thing. Yeah. And then I was like oh wait. That is that's one option. I could get up and like coach myself. I could get up and use the time for something productive. Mhm. Like or I could get up and pour myself a teeny little glass of wine make a cheese tray sit on the couch with my laptop and like watch something dumb on Netflix. Or like something just silly or entertaining and I totally was like I'm like yeah. I'm like I've decided. Instead of like making this moment something I'm doing wrong or some way I'm processing my feelings about the situation wrong. I'm like what if I just made it an 11:30 p.m. date with myself and Mhm. I had a great time. I watched I watched this like TV show till like 1:00 in the morning. Then I felt tired and I went to bed and I like woke up a bit tired today. Mhm. But it It like a little luxurious kind of like little bit like ooh sleep hygiene be damned. I'm like blue lights, cheese, wine. Yes. Being like out of bed, out of my space, like breaking all the rules. But it was like those little things. And I know that, you know, you mentioned the topic of business, but I think there's some element of like when that little rebellious part of myself comes up I think I've started to like treat that as maybe the path out of the expectations. I'm just like I need the little rebel. Or like I was pissed off about something and I'm like I need this pissed off energy. I can channel it into something really creative, really helpful. I can talk you know, about how we might do this and it's like all of the pent-up energy, you know, you're an artist as well, so you're like you know, like it can be channeled through in a different way. And I think that's how I think that's how I'm tackling those expectations with myself is like I can you and and knowing like we can't see it till we see it. Mhm. Like it took you a few days to see it. Yeah. It took me a few days to see it cuz I've been kind of feeling this tension. Mhm. Yeah, but I gotten some coaching and I felt better. I was like I felt better because I took a day off and it was like I'm just going to bake and celebrate the like autumn equinox and it's going to be great. And then the next day I kind of went back into my routine and I was like maybe questioning that there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe it's the routine that has to shift or some of the dynamics around certain situations in my life have to shift. Mhm.

It's it's funny because I I mean I know I'm aware that there are people who like never take responsibility for the way they feel and it's always about everyone else being the problem. But I'm like, I don't think that's like what most coaches do. I think most are like, I see this all sides of of everything and if only my thoughts were better, I wouldn't be suffering and therefore if I'm suffering, it's my own fault. Mhm. Yeah.

Yeah, I love that. That's a really I love that. It's such a vivid example of like sometimes in a way of relating to that as like an opportunity to just do whatever you wanted is like like I understand the whole sleep hygiene piece and also like oddly sometimes it is actually better sleep hygiene to not put so much pressure on sleeping. So like in a way you kind of were doing that. I'm going to lay there and turn on the sound machine and turn on the the fan and you know Right. I'm going to do like my sleep meditation and then I'm going to turn on I'm going to count down the day and I'm going to like Mhm. At that point I think I heard myself say like I just don't want to do any work on this right now. Like fully acknowledging that probably one of those tools would have helped me go to sleep. But I was just like, I don't want to. Yeah. I'm already tired. I don't need and and for business owners you're already doing everything.

Oh, say more. All the things. Like you're responsible for so much and then to layer on that those extra expectations it just kind of seems mean. I think we're to ourselves. Yeah. I mean that's the realization that I came to where I was like it felt like I was solving a problem. It felt like I was you know, facing a new reality and then troubleshooting around it and stuff, but I think I was actually just being mean to myself. Like I wasn't slowing down to be like, "You're tired. What do you want? What do you need right now?" It's like totally normal to be tired sometimes. And even if you're like tired to an extent that is not normal, like that happens sometimes. Like still don't have to be mean to you around it.

And it's kind of like, what is a little like what's wrong with a little bit of comfort sometimes? I think that's maybe some of the the stuff around this is just like, oh, I shouldn't need like a comfort tool. Mhm. Those are just comfort like, oh, watching TV. Oh, what what was it what did everybody used to call it? You're buffer Oh, you're buffer it. Oh, buffering. Buffering. How dare you watch it? Netflix. It's like Yeah, but there's so much research that it says those are the those are the things that get us out of like sometimes the negative mental spin. Mhm. Like turns off the narrator of all the shitty things you're thinking sometimes. Mhm. Yeah. Watching TV can be like a nervous system regulating Mhm. activity. Yeah. Um And like for sure yeah, if you if you're compulsively doing it repeatedly, then like get some additional support. Still doesn't help to like beat yourself up for it necessarily. Yeah. Like I'm not doing that for 12 hours a day. Um my other one is um I got these They're like murder Sudokus. Like they are logic puzzle murder mysteries. Mhm. And when my son was like, "Why are you like you're really into these these murder Murdokus, whatever they're called?" And I was just like, yeah, I'm like I'm like when I help solve a crime, Mommy doesn't do crime.

These fictional cartoon characters stab each other. I don't have to stab anybody. And then I don't go to jail, and you and I get to stay hanging out. That seems very logical. Logic, and it's good for my aging brain. Preventing future dementia as I solve crimes.

And preparing for a life as a detective if you would like to. work out. or two. Or what as a retirement plan, maybe.

We could have the best detective agency. Right? What were they I don't know if that's true. It just would be very interesting. Yeah, we would get into the psychology.

So So how did you get out of it? Like not get out of it. That's like that was the problem in the like but like when you How did you actually like figure out oh hey, I might not be treating myself in this way that would be more supportive. Like because I actually think that if you don't mind sharing I like I don't I don't know if you want to, but I think that that's kind of the mystery for a lot of people is like recognizing because it that the the being mean to yourself part is so is so many people have that as their like baseline of existence and like expect They're like, I don't even know what an expectation is because this feels so fixed and this is what I should be doing. Right, it just feels like reality. Like it feels like a truth that they should be like have like feel an urge or a need to live up to. Um I think the first step for me was being able to name it as an expectation because it didn't feel like that at first. It felt like what is happening. Something has gone wrong. Something is going wrong, and like I need to change it. So, like I need to feel more awake, or like drink more caffeine, or um force myself to go to the gym even though like I'm really not feeling it. Um So, I think that honestly, I didn't really do much consciously after I developed that realization. And like part of it was realizing So, my partner was also there, and he had a really hard time the first weekend that we got back. Like he was like like overextended himself, and then like blew up a little bit, and was like, I need to like have and then spent like the whole weekend basically alone. Um and so like he had had that experience just like condensed earlier of like, Oh, I need to like regulate myself mentally after this trip that we went on that was like a little more intense than maybe either of us had thought it would be. Um So, that helped me a little bit to see like, Oh, he had that experience. Mhm. And like I was like fine and dandy, but maybe I was not actually fine and dandy. Like maybe I had some stuff that I was processing and like working through. Um So, that sort of helped me see that I had some There was like a sort of misalignment of reality to the expectations I had for myself. And then once I realized that, a lot of the pressure kind of dissipated. Because once I could see that this wasn't just like the truth of what I should be doing, then I I could see where I was just being mean to myself. Okay, so as detectives, we just learned that one of the signs is kind of I don't I don't like the word catastrophizing, but it's like you're making uh a newer or short-term experience mean something very permanent and long-term. Yes. Like in my mind it's like when I whenever it becomes like the language of my thoughts is like you always or you never never and always like as a kind of accusatory statements that I'm saying to myself. Mhm. Those are like my little alarm bells. Mhm. Then it's like ooh you're you're there's some expectation that's coming up. And it might not be helpful. Mhm. Might need to find out what it is. Yes, yes detective. Yes, but like yours was in this moment was like

me being tired means I'm not cut out for

the never coaching or whatever the business Yeah, or like the job that I was working or like and not in a way that felt like okay, let me work with this. This is information, but in a way that felt like there's something deeply wrong with me and the future is very grim. Like that I think that's also a sign maybe the like the like not being able like thinking you're just receiving new information, but forecasting doom exclusively.

It's so funny. I just this just popped up in like my mind, but I'm like one of my other reset buttons for when I'm feeling when I'm feeling doom is like This is terrible. I can't believe I'm even saying this. I like to um consume content that is worse. Not in the real world, like not like being like ooh tell me about all these horrible things, but like, we've been reading this series called Dungeon Crawler Carl. Oh, I've heard of that. Yeah, so it's it on my list. Horrible. Like, the the premise of the book is horrific. Okay. like another planet just like turns Earth into down to its like fine materials and then puts all the surviving humans into a a game show that they air across the universe. And it's like an RPG like Dungeons and Dragons kind of It's horrible. But, I And And just Steve was reading it and he's just like, "I don't think you would like this book. It's very gruesome and it's" I'm like, "Wait, if it's gruesome with monsters that I don't see walking down the street, I'm in. I like If it's dragons, if it's just horrible monsters that are not part of my reality, because it's so fantastical and so not my lived world, I'm just like, "Yeah, this guy has it worse than me." And he's living in an alternate dimension. And it's like Like, it's strangely to my brain, it's like, "This is a perspective shift. It could be worse. The world could have just been gone. I could be fighting for my life alongside a cat." Oh boy. I mean, that the cat part sounds okay, but that's not fun for your life part. It's entertaining, but like only if you like horrific things. And I kind of do. Like, same thing with the logic puzzle. I'm like, "Yeah, give me a murder logic puzzle." Mhm. Because this is set in like the wild, wild west in a cartoon world. Like Mhm. There's something about that that I think just spiritually reminds me that of all the worlds, dimensions, possibilities, like, whatever is going on within myself is like probably not that bad. Yeah, it like gives perspective almost. Yeah, but like in a fun-ish in a fun-ish way. I'm just like, "Yeah, well, the dragon ate that person." Glad it didn't eat me. Worst day Worst day for him. Definitely. Very short day. That's amazing. I love that. I think that um as you're talking I'm realizing it I still I like gave the pat answer of how it shifted. Um so I think perspective shift was part of it where I real like I I think that's what identifying this as I think the cut like it's like it brought awareness of the context. I think that's another signal maybe of expectations is like they exist without context. Or at least the unhelpful expectations. And I see that even with like new coaches who are starting a business, they they latch on to some expectations or have some expectations of themselves and for like certain timelines or a certain level of success that like doesn't really take into account their context. Like where they're at in skill development, what level of support they might have in their lives, what their relationship to themselves is like, their comfort with like marketing, and then they bludgeon themselves with it. So I think that what naming like, "Okay, I have some expectations that are like running the show here a little bit." What that helped me do is then I was able to like bring in some context. Like, "Oh, maybe I'm exhausted because like emotionally that was actually not the easiest trip. I had so it brought up some things." And also like because I was like in the same space as them. Like I wasn't necessarily able to process in the moment, so it kind of makes sense that now I'm having this delayed processing. Like it just I bringing in context then I could develop some understanding and compassion, which then helped with the catastrophizing quite a bit cuz I was like, oh, I'm obviously not going to be in this situation forever. Yeah, and I mean so to give people maybe clue number two it sounds like you know, finding out why it makes sense. Like if you just don't make yourself wrong and you find out why why it could make sense that you'd be that exhausted even if you did technically take a couple days off.

And for the business part I think it also maybe deserves to be mentioned that people who especially coaches who are like legend ing themselves with their expectations, I do think that's a symptom of a bigger problem in the coaching industry. Mhm. Because I think a lot of the get rich as a coach kind of plans out there they do show the highlight reel. Mhm. They do not, you know, like a couple episodes ago we talked about how what if you start with the baseline of business running a business is weird and hard. And then you didn't make yourself wrong for that. But you just said like it's weird and hard and here's why I want to do it anyway. Mhm. Then you wouldn't be like, oh, but there's this one person over here who claims claims to have made X number of dollars in their first two minutes as a coach. Like whatever is a whatever the trend of the moment, I think is I I think that has a part to play because and I and I I find it a little bit

I don't know the word, like exploitive exploitive, like I just think it it plays it prays on a part of people who desperately want to support and help others. Mhm. And says the only way to do that is to display how much money you're making and how much Mhm. Yeah, tell me more about that. Like what where do you think that comes from? Like where are you seeing that and what do you think the impact of that is? Um I think there's there's some element that comes from like old school marketing where the playbook is like make everybody feel hungry for what you've got. And make them feel bad if they don't have what you have. Or like be so aspirational that like they can't even fathom not being as successful as as you are. Mhm.

Because in those circles the true work that an individual has to do to get to go from like somebody else in my company does the marketing to now I am the marketer, the salesperson, the admin and I'm supposed to be the expert coach and I'm supposed to be customer service and like do all of those things in a business which a new business owner is going to have to do. You can't I don't think you can really You could pay somebody to try and do those things for you but it's like how how are they going to And even if you do, you're going to have to learn how to supervise them effectively enough that that'll be as much or more work. Yeah, you got to be Now you have to be as well, on top of all of it. Mhm. And I just think

we have a lot of flashy online online things that don't actually root the entrepreneur in how to take on each of those roles in a way that doesn't turn into like psychosis. Like I felt so crazy the first little while that I when I became a coach. Mhm. I was just like, be confident, but be humble, be open, focus on your client, but also self-reflect, and it's just like, how am I supposed to hold space for a person while I'm also evaluating myself, while I'm also trying to apply the tools, but not too many tools, and then afterwards, I have to create a package and an offer and do the marketing, and Yeah, and coach yourself, but don't coach yourself too much. Coach yourself in a 24-hour day, like Right. Mhm. Yeah. And like, do it like you're going to be scared, do it anyway, but also like Well, no, I don't have a good one. I hate that one. That's my least favorite one. I hate that one. I heard it I heard so I was in like a workout class a couple weeks ago, just online, and the coach said it. She was like, feel the fear, do it anyway. Fear is such a good sign that you're going in the right direction. And I was just like, no. Oh my gosh, tell me. Tell me more. I don't think that that's necessarily like, I'm not saying no that that is wrong, Mhm. but I think it's become such a such a statement Mhm. in especially in kind of like the online world Mhm. that I'm like, but if you just say, oh, I'm scared, and that's a good sign that I should go forward, I feel like that's actually rejecting what your nervous system is telling you. Mhm. Mhm. Like sometimes you're going to discern that, you know, if I don't like public speaking and I have to give a keynote, I'm going to probably have to feel the fear and do it anyway. Yeah. Because I don't think the audience is going to care that I was like, "Oh, I it didn't feel right and aligned for me in this moment." Mhm. No, it's like get on stage, do your thing. But when it's used kind of so I just think it's like thrown around so much about so many things. And I'm like, what if you felt the fear and you checked in to see what what wisdom might be there, what the fear has to say. Is it a fear that actually hey, this thing you're about to say or do to be controversial is not going to help you in your business, it's a like a marketing scheme. Mhm. Don't don't be controversial just to be controversial. Like I've seen a lot of people who are like, "I've got to make people hate me." I'm like, Who you?

Really? What? Like there I just I think I I think a lot of these ideas that were probably presented with a lot more context in like marketing circles Mhm. have been sort of whittled down to this very weird kind of thing that gets tossed around. Mhm. And I'm like, this is why people hate marketing. Because they're like, "Oh, I was told to not be for everyone and be controversial and then Mhm. I got canceled." Like, well, maybe you should have felt the fear and said, I'm going to pause.

I'm going to hit pause and say, "Does this Is this is best interest of my potential clients, or is this a distraction that's going to make a lot of people hate me and not trust me? And I'm just that I don't actually feel like strongly is valuable viral. Yeah. Okay, I'm on board now. So I think the way that I think about this cuz actually the like feel the fear and do it anyway. I don't love like it's a quippy thing that I do agree is like can be a little bypassy and like has a lot of nuance to it. I'm going to get a neon sign on my wall.

Live, love, laugh, feel the fear and do it anyway. Um this is the new trad wife. Anyway, um that was a a few episodes back, many episodes

Yeah