Ep 39. You Can't Plan Your Way Into Confidence

Ever notice how easy it is to keep refining the plan when the next step feels uncomfortable? For coaches and business owners, preparation can look responsible while actually just being the fear of trying something new. This conversation explores the difference between a plan that helps you move and one that keeps you busy and waiting to feel ready.Erin and Elana also explore what becomes possible when you question inherited rules, let other people see potential you cannot yet see, and treat nervousness as part of meaningful work instead of proof that something has gone wrong.

You'll hear:

• Why group coaching can lose its spark when it becomes one-on-one coaching with an audience
• How to tell whether your plan is supporting progress or delaying it
• Why trying to eliminate fear often results in shame without any extra confidence
• How community can inspire you to shift from preparation to action

Connect with Erin and Elana

Elana Mckernan is a Master Certified Life and Creativity Coach who specializes in helping perfectionists create more by treating themselves better. Find her on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/elanamckernan/ and book a consultation at https://www.coachingwithelana.com/book-a-consult.

Erin Aquin is a Master Certified Life Coach and co-author of the #1 bestseller “Superabound: Live the Life the Universe is Dreaming For You.” Read the book at https://besuperabound.com/book and book a consultation at https://besuperabound.com/consultation.

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Transcript

Yeah, this is exciting. I think there's a lot of room here to explore. I also think like, I don't know, the way that we structure group coaching often is very, it's interesting. It's like both, like coach is like, almost like the professor in the room, like they're the expert, they're leading things, they're providing the structure. And at the same time, it's very, it's like almost client led as well. And that like, whoever's talking, they almost determine like the subject that you're exploring. I know there are some more like, there are workshops with specific learning objectives and stuff, but I wonder like, I wonder what would change if the coach came in with a goal of helping everyone in attendance achieve a certain objective, like. my goal is for you to walk out of this knowing exactly what next step to take in your business and then structuring it around that as like almost the creative prompt could be interesting because it wouldn't necessarily look like do this and then raise your hand if you're stuck right it could look like you know Everyone has 30 seconds to share something at the beginning. And then we dig more in based on the most common issues. And like, I don't know the world. There's a lot of potential there. Yeah. I'm going to do this tomorrow. Amazing. Yeah. You're like in a community. They're like, what is happening? But I think that's exciting. Like, it's very interesting. Because. I'll be honest. I I'm like, I'm so glad we're talking about this because I know a lot, not in every situation. I think, I feel like I only hang out in coaching circles these days where things are really vibrant and the people running it are open to experimentation and playing. And, um, but I have had like, there have been years where I'm just like, God, group coaching is so boring. Like this is. breathing life into something that on i mean to to your earlier point it does make business sense to shift into group coaching at a certain point yeah if you are successful if you're you know you're one-on-one coaching you cannot handle another client or you just know that you really want to be helping a lot of people at once And the best way to do that is to bring people together. From a business standpoint, it makes total sense. But I think how most people are doing it is very stagnant. Yeah. So I love these ideas. Yeah, it's so interesting, too, because like one of my core beliefs is. more brains bring like more perspectives more experiences more variety of experiences brings more life and more energy and more power to basically like any situation um and yet it's interesting that the medium in which we do have a lot of different brains and perspectives coming together in the coaching space is generally like pretty much it's like a one-on-one coaching light right it's like almost like like a one-on-one coaching with like more performance or something where it's like you have like a snippet of one-on -one coaching maybe the coach talks a little bit more than they would in the one-on-one call and then they like make comments like I'm sure everyone can relate to this and like this is such a common thing that everyone can but like There's a lot of potential being left on the table there, I think. Yeah, because I mean, it might feel awkward to go deep with 20 people watching, but I think that or 40 people or 100 people watching. But usually that's more about the coach feeling like it's awkward than the client. And it's often because the coach only knows how to do one-on-one coaching and they're just doing one-on-one coaching. as a performance for the group. Yeah. Which is only interesting if you're, you know, I think it's only really interesting if it's in a coaching, like coaches are learning how to coach kind of setting. Otherwise, like if you want to be really smart about your business, it's like, how do I make sure that every two, you know, that question you asked, like if the, if there is an objective for every single person to get something important that made it worth their time, worth their effort, worth far more than whatever they paid to be there. I think the energy that the coach would bring to that is very different than saying, who wants to raise their hand and tell me how you're stuck and I will talk you through it while other people watch me. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Oh, I like that. This is cool. I think we're, yeah, group coaching, just, you know, I'm sure there are a lot of people doing very interesting things with group coaching out there. And also, I think we could be doing more. But that I do think like, we only got here by being like, what are the rules that we've been following and not really questioning? Yeah. Yeah, I remember the first time one of my mentors. was just like in a group coaching call. And she basically said, what does everybody think? And I was just like, huh? She's like, everyone who has a coach, what does everybody think? Like, what are you seeing? What is it? What is it? What is this person like not? And I was just like, she's breaking the rules. And I'm pretty sure I like learned the rule, the original rules from her in someone else's. program. So she was teaching, but it was like, Oh my God, there are, there is no formulaic way that we have to do this. And I think it kind of, it reinforced this idea that like, and I say this a lot, but I will break every one of the coaching goals. If it has a hope of supporting the person in front of me, sometimes it's telling them what I think. or giving them a strategy like some days where i will work with five people and i will if my original coach training saw it they would be like your certification is like i do none of what what i was trained to do but it's very collaborative and creative because it's like how could i How can we just like find another way that isn't that a lot of my clients are, are really smart and they will know when I'm like, okay, let's do processing. They're like, okay, I know exactly how to do this. I'm going to sit in my chair. I'm going to tab in my body. And then I have to have a shift. I have to have a shift if it's going to be successful. And so I've got to break the pattern, even my own tools. I'm like, I would like to use this tool and I'm not going to because. you already know what's supposed to happen I think that's part of the fun I think that's the theater part too it's like we're doing improv yeah like what how can we roll with this how can this be more than just two people going through the motions or doing a script a predetermined script which I think I'm thinking now about this question of like paths and like when is it or plans and when is it when do we need a plan when do we need a path and when when is it not so helpful it's almost like at least just the energy that I'm thinking of like when I'm thinking of the things that I followed the the plans the path the rules that I followed that were not so helpful they have like a constraining element to them And not in like, I think constraint can be very powerful in sparking ideas. And I think that's a different thing. They had a constraining element in like shutting down my ideas and shutting down my experimentation. And like, I was doing that with them. But I think that is the element that like, was not so helpful. And perhaps led to like this stagnancy that we see sometimes. in the industry um and then I think when plans are absolutely helpful for me or paths that are helpful is like helping me like implement or like carry out an idea because without like just like having some sort of it's almost like a vision alignment like maybe not so helpful in orienting me to my like goal or endpoint or vision but like very helpful once I've oriented myself and helping me get there yeah yeah like okay so so like the path is helpful when you know where you want to go and that's actually in alignment with with you not in alignment or allegiance to someone else's rule yes then the path can also be It can be like a blueprint. It can be a formula, but it also can be very organic and it makes sense instead of shuts you down. Yes. It's almost like prioritizing movement above all else. Right. Like, is this fan in service of movement when I think about doing it or when I fixate on it? Am I experiencing movement? Am I closer to taking a step forward than I was without it? If the answer is no, like throw it out the window. What is the point of a plan that you're like constrained by? Yeah. If you're not taking action, like what's the point? Yeah. A lot of people will, will think that like the plan making the plan is like the movement. And I think that's sometimes. Yeah. I think that's sometimes like the differentiators. Like, are you just, planning endlessly it's like writers it's like are you researching all day or are you actually sitting down and even point form jotting down your ideas because yes some research for certain projects is really important but if you're researching and you're not turning it into something that might not that might not be actually part of the writing plan yeah it's almost like what is the what is the like I hate I hate this but like what is my why for doing this or like what's driving me like what do I find important about this yeah most important for me usually that's like service which inherently involves other people and like sharing with other people And so like distilling that to its core, like what is my main reason or the main impact that I want this to have? And then what's the shortest path to get there? And then am I taking movement along that path? Or am I like taking a little side quests that are like, let me collate this 20 step plan instead of just like going out there and being like, let's have a messy group and maybe no one will show up and let's see what happens. Yeah. And I mean, I think with newer coaches, the side quest is then it's like, oh, and I have to beat myself up because I realized I wasn't doing it. But it's like, maybe it's good news. You found out you're on a side quest. And that probably means you didn't find the reason that was important enough to you to get it. Like, yeah, service is enough to feel like I am going to do this thing I said I'm going to do today. For some people, they're serviced out. They are not interested in that, but they say it because it's pretty and then they don't do anything. And they're like, oh, no, I'm a terrible person. I was supposed to do this in service of the world and I didn't. Yeah, that's OK. You don't have to be in service of the world, but you do need to find a reason that actually connects to you. Yeah. And to be clear enough to move forward does not mean enough. When I hear about people who are on a side quest endlessly, it's not like you're a terrible person for doing this or you lack discipline. Usually it's either you're not compelled enough by your vision or you're afraid. In which case, like, let's not be horrible to you. Like everyone is afraid. It's kind of scary to open up and use your voice and be like, hey, I want to do this thing. You want to come along with me? Like that's scary. So scary. Yeah. No one says that either. Like no one says how scary it is. We're like, come on coach, use your mindset. Let's go. Oh God. And then you get situations where people are like human, they're scared to do something new and then they're beating themselves up because they're not managing their minds about it, which drives me absolutely crazy. Yeah. Not, not that that's like, they're doing anything wrong. It's like, I feel like that is in the air a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Like, it's like, then there's like another, then there gets to be another layer of shame on top of the fear. And then we're like, am I even a coach? Am I even real? Like, did I, what am I doing with my life? I know. I'm so painful. And I, you know, I've had a lot of pushback on this from a lot of people who are like, don't tell them that fear, it's a fear. Don't tell them that, yes, that's a scary. Don't tell them it's going to be hard and challenging because you're just reinforcing a limiting belief. And I'm just like, you know what? Owning a business is scary. Yeah. And most people who say that are not running businesses or if they are, they're not taking a lot of risks in their businesses. Yeah. Maybe for some people it is not scary because they have other people doing the scary things or they're just doing business light. But like, if you say I am. If you get to a point where you say, what I want to do is work for myself. And I want to do that in a way where I am asking people to pay me money for time with me and my mind. them solve their problems or make their life better there is a world of people who will say that's so arrogant who could ever want to spend money and time on you uh who do you think you are like those people who say those things exist i had a client once um a yoga client tell me they like hated the term life coach they were like why don't you just call yourself a spiritual teacher because I really hate the term life coach and I just don't take it seriously and I just think it sounds like very she didn't say arrogant she was she she loved I loved her she loved me it was like a good client relationship but she was just like oh it's so cringy and and I'm like yeah I wish there was a different term because I think it does sometimes give the air of everyone's a mess and they all need me to come in there and coach them up, coach and help them, which is, you know, if there was a different term that was equally understood, I would use it. I don't love the term either, but saying consultant also felt very inauthentic. So I was just like, I'm literally coaching people on having the life they want. Life coach. Acceptable. Yes. Totally. I'm going to just make pieces. I'm going to figure it out. It has not let me down, but that is so scary. That was scary. It's scary now. Like I work with people whose businesses are way bigger than mine. And I'm like, I'm your business coach. Here I am going to help you find whole life success and that. Yeah. It's not because I know how to make their business work in a different way. It's because I know how their minds work. It's why, you know, you're coaching all of these people who are becoming coaches. You're teaching them how to be coaches. It's not because, you know, we're not the most like enlightened. I don't know even what people think when about these things, but it's like. I just have done this enough. And I know all the pitfalls. I know those intimately. And I know we can do this. And I know how to spot your hurdles. You work through them. And that's what we are experts on. Yeah. That doesn't fit in a nice little social media post. I can barely articulate it after almost a full beverage. I mean. The ramblings of a life coach. Totally. I had a lot of drama initially about calling myself a life coach. Now I basically don't. I mean, if I think about it a lot, I might. Because like, yeah, I get it. It's like kind of cringy. And I think there's also like a portion of the population that's like, I'm 22. I have things figured out. I'm on Instagram and things are pretty and I'm a life coach. Not that there's not that there's no wisdom to be found in a 22 year old. And also, like, I think there's a large range of what you might get with life coaches. At this point, I'm kind of like, yeah, it's not like that big of like, I think I've developed enough confidence in like exactly what you said that I'm like, maybe it's a little cringy, but like, whatever. We need language. Language is imperfect. But at the same time, I do think, what was I going to say? I don't know. I lost it. I think I'm at the end of my drink. What's happening? It's hot out, everybody. We can't just be on. Drinks are cool. I'm very warm. Oh, I was going to say, I think to the confidence piece and to the fear piece, I still feel afraid. taking some action, like even coaching. Sometimes I just find myself getting nervous beforehand. And I don't think I really, I've been coaching for six years now, pretty like a lot. Um, and just the past year or so I've been, I've finally gotten to a place where I'm like, Oh, like I'm actually pretty good. I can, I can help people with things. I can see things and help them with it. And that doesn't mean I'm perfect, but like, I think that's to normalize that those first steps are scary. And I don't think it's, I don't think there's any benefit in pretending that they're not. And like, can they be a little less, can we find ways to make them be a little less scary? Absolutely. Can we find ways to support ourselves through taking those scary steps? Yes, of course. But like, they're just scary. And I mean, honestly, the thing that I don't know, this will help anyone else, but what really helped me was just like, just saying that to myself. This is scary. Like not trying to say, and there's something wrong with me for being afraid. Like I, I thought back to how many years I would start a yoga class and just be like, so terrified before standing up to teach. And I was like, That was like a good, probably eight years. I would still get nervous before a class. Yeah. Like half of the time that I taught as a full-time teacher, I was nervous. And I think that actually really helped me early on in my coaching. I was like, if I can do this for eight years and wake up one day and not just be totally terrified that I'm doing better than I was as a teacher. And if I'm still scared, it's keeping me very alert. I'm very focused. I'm very present. Like it's, it's not a problem. And it was actually really helpful to just say, this is scary. Full sentence, no coaching required. Running happiness is a very weird thing to do in the world. Yeah. Because I think not saying that keeps us like thinking that it being scary is a problem. keeps that's what keeps us in perpetual planning obsession mode because then we're like i gotta brains are great at solving problems then it's like the problem is that i'm afraid let me solve that that must mean i'm doing something wrong that must mean that like outside of me there's a perfect answer maybe i should not allow myself to do group coaching calls maybe i need a better niche maybe i need to like find the right email template to use to send an offer that's the like spinning your wheels stuff that might feel a little productive but it's like aimed towards solving the wrong problem it's aimed towards solving the problem of fear rather than solving the problem of like desire like I want to do this and I have some like it's scary to do how can I do it anyway yeah yeah and I mean the thing that's just so profound like if you're afraid that you're not going to be successful if you're afraid that you're not a good enough coach yet which is fears we all have or have had in especially early on in our careers, the antidote to that is actually coach more. Yeah. Like, like, like, except maybe you're not like, you're probably not good. Good. I mean, good enough is like a relative thing, but like, okay, yeah, you're probably not. But do you, are you going to allow yourself to get better? Yeah. Like, I know so many people who are like, I really just have to spend two hours a day self coaching on my confidence. I'm like, I mean, There might be some magical thought that cures the problem of the lack of confidence, but like just getting really good at something actually usually solves that. Yeah. And going through the process of being bad at it. Yeah. Being bad at it, making mistakes, like getting up, dusting yourself off. I also, I don't think of confident lack of confidence as a mindset issue, actually. Ooh. Ooh. Oh my God. This needs to be its own episode. Yeah. Wait, you have to tell me more. I just think it's sometimes like, I mean, it can be, but I don't know. It's not something I have ever solved with myself from like thinking about it. Never thought my way to more confidence. Yep. I'm like, I'm not feeling confident because I don't have enough experience or maybe I'm not good at this yet. It's like, like, gosh, I'm looking at the stack of like Oracle cards. I'm like, okay, this is objectively not like some fantastic art. I love it. I actually love this one. But it's actually beautiful. Like some, some artists could look at this and be like, oh, you missed the shadowing or the, like someone could. Sure. I don't feel a lack of confidence when I look at this because I think I was probably like 20 or 30 hours in at the point of doing it. And I really like it. And I was like, it doesn't have to be good in someone else's eyes for me to know the time and energy and care that went into it. I don't have a lack of confidence about it because it just is like, it's like, this is another, like you said, the cliche earlier, like it's worthy of existing because it exists. Like there's also very, yeah. Like what's your why all this stuff, but that's true. Like there is truth to that. I'm like, I made that. And that's pretty cool because if I had just sat and thought I need to work on my confidence before I can ever pick up any medium or try something, just have waited till I was dead. that's such a good point I think yeah that's what a lot of coaches get wrong I think and people get wrong I think it's both which I think that's what you're saying as well like I don't the the most direct path to growing your confidence involves action let's do it and also mindset but like action and I was gonna say earlier like I also think we have to acknowledge the impact that community can have on this as well like I'm thinking of like thank god I had so many opportunities to step into roles that I didn't think I was ready for that I like honestly didn't really if i'm perfectly honest like didn't fully put myself out there for i just said yes to if i weren't asked to do things that i was did not feel ready for i don't know if i would have ever taught yeah period like yeah because i just don't know if i ever would have i mean maybe that's not true but i i do think it like cut off shortened the journey by at least like five years to there for me was being asked to like teach when before I felt like I was ready so I want to acknowledge that that's something I think the coaching industry I've been very both lucky in and also I do think the coaching industry is pretty good at being like it's like creating opportunities for people yeah and I mean any any coach like really worth the time money and energy you spend with them sees things in you it sees potentials in you that you might just like not be able to see it yeah so I think that that like that's something I mean that's worth having a coach for yes having somebody to believe what you're not quite on board with yet because they have seen it a million times they've seen like it's not blowing smoke up your ass it's like I see these qualities in you and I've watched other people with similar qualities and i know that greatness is there and you just maybe need this you just need get need this moment or you need this person to ask you to teach yeah yeah so yes wow what a journey that was a fun we were talking about plans and we went on lots of different paths that it was amazing and now we're gonna revolutionize group coaching self-group coaching revolutionized that's very self-aggrandizing but I think we have some fun ideas for group coaching and we'd love to hear yours we'd love to hear what you think so make sure that if you listen to the episode you reach out to us how can people get in touch with you um coachingwithelaina.com also if you have any questions you want us to answer because we have been flying by the seat of my pants a little bit on what we're going to talk about though it has led to some beautiful places um you can also post those you can email those um or post them on instagram or wherever you see us yeah how about you where can people find you be uperabound.com. Um, and if you go to besuperabound.com/coachingmixer, there's all the links to reach out to Elena to reach out to me, um, and on Instagram @besuperabound. Yay. This was a fun one. So good. Thanks everybody for listening. And we'll talk again soon. Yeah. Thanks for listenin