Changing Habits With Kindness

Maybe you want to change your habit of checking work emails after 5pm, or stop scrolling on your phone in bed.

Maybe you want to stop reaching for a certain comfort food automatically or waiting for the last minute to finish a project that is due.

Whatever it is for you, when it comes to changing a habit you don’t love, most advice out there is some combination of willpower and scolding yourself so much that you might feel ashamed enough to stop (at least for a day or two).

It came up last week when my nine year old, a long-time nail biter, shared how frustrated they were to never have nails long enough to paint.

I totally understood. When I was a kid I bit my nails all the time and when I finally decided I wanted to stop, the advice I got was all about willpower and changing via negative feedback loops.

FACT: I tried the gross tasting nail shellac (probably banned before the end of the 90’s for whatever toxic cocktail was in it) and finally “trained” myself out of the habit by wearing a rubber band around my wrist and snapping it every time I caught myself biting.

Even though that ended up helping me break the habit, it left me with something much worse. A piece of personal proof that the way to change was through self-punishment and that the path to growth was not through gentle expansion but through pushing myself—harshly (like that little rubber band slapping me on the wrist).

For decades I was a person who would willpower through things and belittle myself quietly if I didn’t grow or achieve according to my own schedule. Then in my early thirties I pushed myself too far and had a full burn out experience (which I wrote about at length in my best selling book Superabound: Live The Life The Universe Is Dreaming For You).

That experience of noticing my own, very harsh inner dialogue and all the Static I was lost in, led me to begin a journey of learning how to change habits with inner warmth rather than criticism.

Now, ten years later and with all the work of Superabound under my belt, I can now say with confidence that sustainable, expansive change begins with understanding and honouring yourself, not with self-criticism.

Knowing that, here is what I told my 9 year-old and what I will offer you reading this:

Step 1: Honour Why the Habit Exists

Every habit—yes, even the ones you wish you could change tomorrow—exist for a reason. Maybe it helps you navigate stress, keep up with demands, or just get through a tough day. Instead of judging or trying to force change, pause and ask yourself:

• What is this habit trying to help me avoid or achieve?
• When did it first show up for me?

Understanding is the opposite of self-scolding. When you honour the original purpose of your habit, you invite in compassion, not shame.

Step 2: Bring the Habit Into Conscious Awareness

Most habits run on autopilot. That’s why they’re so hard to change! Trying to force yourself to stop rarely works. Instead, start to gently bring the unconscious habit to your conscious attention.

Start to notice:

• When do I do this habit most?
• What am I feeling right before?
• What thoughts run through my mind as it happens?

Awareness turns the lights on. It empowers you, giving you space between the urge and your action.

Step 3: Choose What’s Most Supportive for You Now

Once a habit is conscious, you have power. Now is the moment to ask:

• What choice would truly support and honour me?
• Is there a small shift I could try, just for today, that feels like kindness to myself?

You don’t need to become a completely different person overnight. Attempting that is what overwhelms people. Instead, choose, moment by moment, the most supportive path for where you are now.

Changing habits—Superabound style—isn’t about conquering your flaws. It’s about compassionately understanding yourself, bringing curiosity and consciousness to old patterns, and making choices rooted in support and love for you right now and in the future.

You don’t have to beat yourself up to create real, lasting change. In fact, kindness is the most powerful force for transformation.

If you want to ditch the inner drill sergeant and gently make important changes in your life, we can help. Apply for a free consultation with a Superabound coach, and discover how to transform your patterns with understanding rather than force.

Schedule your consultation at besuperabound.com/consultation