247: Strong Boundaries for Leaders

Boundaries help you stay strong and focused as a leader because they protect your energy and mental space. But did you know they can also help create connection?

Many leaders shy away from strong boundaries because they think they'll be perceived as cold, inaccessible, or mean. But boundaries are the exact opposite. They help you perform at your best, which helps all the people who depend on you to thrive.

If you find yourself stretched too thin, people pleasing, or resentful of a team that doesn't take doesn't respect your boundaries, this episode will help you take back your time and energy.

You will discover:

• How to set boundaries that actually work, instead of simply hoping people will respect them
• How to reinforce a boundary in a way that results in more connection
• How to use boundaries based on your values to create a better work culture

If you haven't already joined the Superabound Collective, what are you waiting for? It is a community of soulful business owners like you where you can get support with the challenges of leadership. And it's free for a limited time.

Learn more and join the Collective here.

Episode Transcript

Erin Aquin  0:01  
Welcome to the Superabound podcast with master coaches Steve Haase and Erin Aquin where business owners like you learn tools that help you clarify vision, clear up static and overcome challenges. You are listening to Episode 247: Strong Boundaries for Leaders. Hello, and welcome back to another episode in our mini series for leaders. Today, we're going to talk about something that I know you struggle with. Don't pretend this is something I think, you know, maybe not maybe not everyone in the world who runs a business or leads a team struggles with but I think a lot of the folks who we have worked with over the years, definitely people who see themselves as soulful business owners may have trouble with creating strong boundaries. And even that phrase could make you sort of cringe or like, oh, strong boundaries. Sounds so harsh. But what we're really going to talk about today is why you need strong boundaries as a leader, and actually how that can help you create better connection with your clients, with your team with the world at large through boundaries. So I know we don't always think about we think about boundaries as being sometimes a brick wall that we put up around our castle. But we're actually going to talk about how to use boundaries in a way that helps you connect. So welcome, Steve.

Steve Haase  1:38  
Thanks, Erin. Hello, everybody. So nice to be here with you. Boundaries, it does seem like a thing that separates you. But we're going to talk about it and show you how they actually help you connect, and why you want strong ones. So let's start with the definition. What is a boundary, you can think about your self, your body mind spirit, as the castle, the thing you want to protect. And the boundary is the wall around the castle, it is the line that you know others should not cross in order for you to feel safe, protected. And like you're in a good place, you can come up with whatever definition helps you. But that's the way I like to think about it. And the reason this is sometimes difficult for leaders is because we often put our whole selves on the line. We're so invested in the success of our team and the success of our business, that you say, I'm just here for it all. I've got no boundaries, or do anything early on, maybe that makes sense. Maybe it's just you, and you're kind of just going for it with everything you've got. But eventually as your team starts to grow, as there's more people working with you, you're going to need to have something in place so that your body, mind and spirit have more to give are sustainable over the long term. So that's the first way that a boundary helps you create connection, is it actually makes sure that there's something left for everybody else. And you don't just spend it all when people come asking for more from you. Or when you feel like your business simply needs more from you. You need to make sure that that precious resource that is you lasts for the long term. Yeah, another

Erin Aquin  3:27  
way I kind of think about this to kind of use that it's sort of like the delineation between you and not you. Now we could get philosophical, we could say we're all one, there is no separation. We're all connected. We're all just stardust. And you know, it's all. It's all one totally fair, if that's how you look at the universe. But if you think about like the boundary of where you live, it's the place where you know, this is my land to tend to, this is my home that I have to keep up. So to kind of think about this another way. It's also showing you like what you are responsible for, versus what belongs to the world or belongs to someone else. And I think that's a really helpful definition to keep in mind, especially if you're a business owner. Because if you don't know where you end, and your business begins, especially for those of you who like to think of business as a spiritual practice, which I definitely do, but sometimes you have to know my work ends at five o'clock on Thursday. I do not let that seep into the weekend because this is now I've got to attend to what's mine. I've got to attend to my own energy I've got to attend to the weeds in my emotion. Don't garden. So it's also really telling us what we're responsible for versus what we're not. And then when, when people, when requests, when things that are unwanted come into the boundary within our space within our quote unquote, property, then it's up to us to decide how we're going to address that and deal with it. But if it's outside of that, it's not really yours. So our boundaries are showing us what we are responsible for. And I know some of you business owners spend a lot of time looking over the wall at what your neighbors are doing in your industry, judging their landscaping, or whatever it is you do. Your boundaries are there to help you stay focused on what you're growing on your property, not being focused on the brand new pool, that your neighbor just put in or their garden gnomes or boundaries can also really help us stay focused on what is within our control, and how we want our space to look and feel as a business.

Steve Haase  6:17  
One of the reasons that so many leaders struggle with this one in particular, is that they don't see what the cost of having weak boundaries is, when you're always looking over your wall, saying what your neighbor has done with their landscaping. Or when you don't have a wall. And everything is just flooding in, you can feel like you're being productive, like you're being helpful, like you're just doing what a good business owner should do. But the result of all that is actually that your focus is scattered, your time is used up on things that feel important in the moment. But if you were to step back and say, what really matters in my business, what's going to change my trajectory, and really get me where I want to go, you probably wouldn't write a lot of those things on the list. And yet, because we often kind of operate in the moment, rather than in a more kind of strategic way, thinking ahead, saying no to more things than we say yes to for the right reasons. We get caught up in all the requests, all the urgent things, all the fires. And so a big part of having strong boundaries, is knowing what really matters. Where should you put that wall and why? Because once you're clear about where that wall goes, and why it's there, you suddenly have a reason for saying no. So for example, if you have a block on your calendar to create a proposal, and that proposal can be part of you know, your revenue for the next quarter, it can bring in some hefty new business for you. And you keep getting interrupted by people who are asking for, for you to proofread an email that's going out or to share some gossip about one of your competitors that they just learned about these things can seem important. And maybe they are important. But in that moment, you're letting yourself get off track from the thing that's actually going to make the difference to your business. And you're diving into things that may or may not be all that important. So when you're working on the proposal, what you need to do is actually let people know that you have a boundary. That's actually the first way to create strong boundaries is to let those around, you know that they're there. If you're working on something, maybe it's putting Do Not Disturb on your slack. Maybe it's closing the door to your office, maybe it's not answering your phone, so that you can actually focus and protect that space, protect that time, protect your own mental energy so that it can go towards the things that matter the most.

Erin Aquin  9:06  
Yeah, and I mean, you said something I just want to highlight because I think it's really easy to miss this. You have to tell people I've had over the years clients who you know, will do a session, they'll really get some very clear value aligned boundaries in their mind. And then I'll talk to them again the next week. And they're so frustrated because they're like, everyone just kept interrupting me. I tried to apply everything we worked on. And you know, but my assistant still sent me messages. If you are the leader, you have to make these things explicit. You can't just decide, oh, I'm going to start putting up I'm going to I'm going to start upholding my boundary. If you have created a dynamic and a culture in your workspace, where people are used to interrupting you, where people are used to, like if you know if you're the kind of CEO that gives out your phone number to everyone who works for you, and then you get annoyed that the next week they're all calling you, that is something that you actually have to be very explicit about shifting. I and I do mean this, it sounds very simplistic, but like I mean, letting everybody know, I'm starting a project, I'm going to be in, I'm going to be in Do Not Disturb mode for the next two hours, please handle anything that comes up for the next two hours. And I know that someone listening to this podcast right now is going to say, but my people wouldn't know what to do. They'd be lost without me for two hours. Listen, that's a deeper issue. If you don't have a team that you can rely on for a couple of hours, or a day, or a week, like, let's be real, there's probably some deeper training that your team needs, there's probably like, we just, you know, you can, you can email us hello@besuperabound.com. And we can talk about how we can help you and your team. That's a perfect reason to have a coach like if I'm not shaming you at all, I think if you have a team that you really feel like cannot operate without you, so that you can be focused for a few hours to work on something that is an opportunity that we can definitely help you take advantage of. Because that is not how you want to run your company. Because when you have 50 people working for you, what are you going to do? So you just tell people, I'm not available for the next two hours? Only? And maybe there's maybe there's a few things that maybe if only if this client calls, yes, you can interrupt me. But ideally, you have that handled.

Steve Haase  11:44  
Now let's talk about what to do. If someone continues to cross those boundaries, you've made it clear, you have said, Don't interrupt me during this time. And yet, they keep saying, Oh, it's super important. Oh, but what about this? Oh, I have to, they're not respecting that boundary that you set up, could happen. Right? When you're working with people, you never know, who's going to hear what you say, and then just not pay attention at all. Here's how you handle that, while creating more connection. Oftentimes, when people think about that sort of situation there, they think, well, I either need to roll over and just let them do what they want. Giving up my boundary entirely, or I need to get really strong and enforce it, maybe yell at them, you know, I got to stand up for myself. And what I found is that there's actually a middle way that creates more connection while upholding your boundary. And it looks and sounds something like this, to the person who is insisting on crossing the boundary, you can say, my friend, I appreciate you, I respect you, I am so glad you were here. And I cannot talk about this right now. And that's it, you make it clear that you are responding from love from care that they are a valued member of the team and you are interested in what they have to say, and you uphold your boundary, you do not have to go to one side, you do not have to go all the way to one side and say, okay, because I care about you, because you're a valued member. Fine, do what you want. And you also don't have to go to the other side and say, the only one who matters here is me respect my boundary, I'm doing my thing get out of here, you can find that middle path where you say, I respect you, I care about you. I want to hear what you have to say. But now is not the time. Let's continue this later.

Erin Aquin  13:51  
So I mean, that's a great example of really teaching people how to respect your your time boundary or your work boundary or whatever kind of that is. Now let's talk about what happens if a more egregious boundary has been crossed. You know, maybe you have a workspace where one of your core values is about being kind and respectful to each other on the team. And someone on your team starts screaming at one of their co workers in the office. Now, it's probably a very clear boundary. This is like an HR moment. But how do you actually address that? Hopefully you have an HR person that can come in and we'll you know, deal with that appropriately. But how do you deal with that and heal that on your team? And maybe that person can no longer work with you? Or maybe there's something deeper going on that now you're finding out that you weren't aware of as the leader. How do we Make sure that what needs to be protected is protected. And everyone involved, understands what will and will not be tolerated.

Steve Haase  15:13  
There's no book that's going to tell you how to handle every single case that comes your way. So what you can return to as the leader, is your sense of the kind of company that you want to create. What values are you trying to create in your culture, so that when people see something happen, they know that that does not belong here, let's say someone was yelling, and it was, you know, totally out of place. totally unacceptable. Some people will just avoid that. They'll say, Well, okay, I guess that's so and so they're just that way, when you do that, you have allowed a company boundary to be crossed, and it creates a culture where all kinds of things that don't align with your values are suddenly acceptable within the walls of your company. That's why it matters so much to be clear about your boundaries, and then to uphold them, when you see them being trampled on, because they will, people are people. And if you aren't really clear about those boundaries, and you aren't re articulating them, they won't even know right, the the heat of the moment will happen, someone will will yell they'll be, they'll be inappropriate, they'll be rude. And because it's not woven into the culture that we treat each other with respect, it'll just kind of roll. So when it happens, this is your opportunity to re establish that boundary in service of the values that you want to have at your company. Just like with a personal boundary, it's a way for you to say, this is the kind of life that I want to live, I want to have plenty of sleep, take great care of my body, mind and spirit, you do the same thing with your company, when you see a boundary being crossed with your values, then that is a chance to say time to do something, folks, this is not acceptable. Maybe, you know, I was at a company one time where an employee had one of those egregious Boundary Crossings. And the the plan that they came up with, was for that employee to teach the onboarding class, the new employees about that value, that they stepped over. And so that person actually became the expert on the value of using good judgment, from his experience, not using good judgment. And I thought it was such a brilliant move, because the company took a person who brought so much to the table and had a momentary lapse of judgment, and allowed him to reflect on that make good by everybody. And really make it clear to everyone coming in, that this company cares about that particular value.

Erin Aquin  18:02  
And it's also why having good contracts, strong HR is really important for things that like can't be repaired with that person teaching. Because those things do happen as your company grows, you're going to probably have those those moments. So it's good to have boundaries up front, it's good to be clear, as clear as you can be an end to establish yourself as someone that can be trusted to uphold the boundaries of the company, even when it's not comfortable. Now, let's shift into talking about how we create connection through boundaries. So we've kind of touched on this in a few different ways. You know, for those big things, when a company wide boundary has been stepped over how you work with your team in the aftermath of that, how you support people through that that's, you know, one way of, of creating connection. But I want to talk about this in from the perspective of the leader or the CEO or the founder, who really is a nice person, and maybe has trouble establishing boundaries. You know, maybe you're the person that gave out your phone number when you founded the company to all three employees. And now you have 50 And they call you on the weekends. And you're trying to be like cool and nice and approachable. But you're getting phone calls all the time. People are sharing maybe a little too much to a little TMI on their personal lives with you as excuses for not getting their work done like pivotal work that can make or break deals for the company. This is usually what the uncomfortable space of not having strong boundaries and wanting to see yourself as a nice person. And who doesn't want to be a hard ass? doesn't want to be mean, doesn't want to seem seem inhuman? How do we create connection through better boundaries.

Steve Haase  20:12  
And the answer to that is in the word empowerment, if you are able to set people up in such a way that they have the confidence, the authority and the resources to handle their own problems, not only will they be happier, as a result of having that kind of power and agency, you will be happier because they won't be calling you on weekends. And so if you feel like people are stepping over your boundaries, that could be a very good indication that they have not yet been set up for success. They are too dependent on you, as the leader as the founder, it's a very common situation for people to be in, we want to feel needed, and want to be useful. And as leaders, sometimes that looks like not empowering our people enough so that we can stay useful. One of the biggest achievements of a leader is when they are no longer needed, when they can just step out, go away for a month, and the company keeps chugging along doesn't even just keep chugging along, but actually gets better. Could your ego handle it? If you stepped away, and the company got even better? A lot of people can't. And that is one of the reasons that they end up being so tied into the company. It's not because their people aren't competent. It's because they haven't set them up to be independent and to thrive in your absence. Think about what an achievement that is to create a culture and to have the people and the systems in place so that people can actually do their best work and not need you. That is the ultimate and yet so many people are terrified of that, like I have to be involved, I have to be in this pitch, how will we possibly win the deal, if I'm not there, I don't know. Empower your people, let's find out, go on vacation. It's an opportunity for you to go beyond that egoic need to feel useful, and actually to create something great, not just for you, but for all the people who will then be empowered and capable, and have agency in their careers.

Erin Aquin  22:33  
And to kind of go back to the idea that a boundary is like a wall, the wall is not personal. And I think what happens, the lack of boundary for many of us actually leaves us unfocused, because we're always like, checking to make sure nothing's crossing the line, nothing is, you know, the wall is going to do that for you. So for a lot of business owners, sometimes creating a boundary can be as simple as turning on an automated email on the weekends that says, I don't check my emails on the weekends, I'm going to be an example for everyone by not responding to emails on the weekend. And from now on, everybody who emails me on the weekend is going to get an email saying, I'll get back to you on monday does not have to always be you enforcing the boundary like you don't have to stand century at the wall, the wall is going to do the job of keeping out things that don't belong there so that you can focus on tending the garden, keeping up the castle, doing your own thing. It's also a reinvestment of your resources and your hyper vigilance back into the vision back into the creative output. That's only possible when you are not putting out fires when you're not checking your email on Sunday morning, when you are not being distracted when you're supposed to be hanging out with your kids. So I am thinking of an example I had a have a client who basically solved one of the most annoying customer service issues in her business. One that was burning her out making her frustrated, was really over using her assistants time with an automated email. Just saying here are the top 10 questions we get. Please click this link to see if your questions already been answered. And if not, we'll get back to you in 48 hours that helped her establish a boundary with her clients. So her clients aren't expecting her to get to receive a personal email 15 minutes after they email her anytime day or night. It's an impersonal filter so she doesn't have to spend hours a day or her system doesn't have to spend hours a day doing customer service which is no one's favorite thing in her company.

Steve Haase  25:00  
To be a visionary, you have to be able to stand in that tall tall tower and look out over the field over the landscape. Look up to the sky, you need the time and space to think, and to be at your best. That's what the castle wall does for you. If you're, if you're sitting there walking that invisible line on the boundaries of your castle, and you're saying, I hope nobody comes in, you will have no brain space left for what your business really needs, which is your energy, your vision,

Erin Aquin  25:38  
Yeah, because if you don't have boundaries, you're going to be distracted. It's going to take away from the precious resource that only you can bring to the company you work in, or the business that you own. And if you're hearing all of this and thinking, Oh, they are talking to me, I have not been good with boundaries, I don't even know where to start. This is the work that Steve and I do not just with owners but with their teams as well. So we are here for you and you can connect with us directly over at besuperabound.com. If you want to hang out with us, you can come on in and join the Superabound Collective over at besuperabound.com/collective. We do regular weekly events, we're there to support you and your entire team. Maybe the last thing I'll offer is, this is another reason why we all need coaches. You know, one one very quick way a lot of our clients solve the issue of knowing too much personal stuff about the people on their team is hiring us to come in and be the coaches for their folks to help them get the emotional support the training that they need to really grow well in their their roles. And we take on a few companies every single quarter. So if that sounds like something that you want to speak with us more about, you can head over to learn more about working with us at besuperabound.com or check the link in the show notes.

Steve Haase  27:20  
Thanks so much, everyone. See you next time.

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