Embracing Imperfection

Hidden Potential by Adam Grant

Chapter 3: The Imperfectionists

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Main points:

• "Beating yourself up doesn't make you stronger—it leaves you bruised." - Adam Grant
• Mastery is knowing which flaws to accept. That's because perfectionism only makes sense in controlled environments with a knowable 100%. After our first years of education, those environments cease to exist. For example, building a business or leading a team is not a knowable context and perfection is impossible.
• Where are you focused on details that don't move the needle? It could be that you're applying a finite lens to an infinite area.
• Steps to becoming an imperfectionist:
  • Find the right problem to solve.
  • Develop new skills in unfamiliar areas.
  • Review your mistakes to educate your future self, not to punish your past self.
• To continue having high standards while accepting the right flaws, aim to create a minimum lovable product. What are your standards for lovable? That is the clear high expectation you have for success, while still knowing there will always be room for improvement.

Transcript:

Erin Aquin  0:00  
To help it be non boring, I even bought my tea latte.

Steve Haase  0:03  
Oh, it's not tea.

Erin Aquin  0:06  
We won't be boring,

Steve Haase  0:07  
extra, extra, extra pep for today. So welcome everybody on the zoom from the Superabound collective. Welcome everybody from the LinkedIn broadcast, it looks like, it looks like that is happening as well, it is okay. So if you have any comments, any thoughts, go ahead and leave them on LinkedIn here. See if I can find where the comments are. And we can have a chat there. Honestly, the best place to be chatting with us is here on the zoom. So if you want to engage in real time, join the Superabound collective where you get that Magic Zoom link. And we'll have a chat inside the meeting itself, we can even bring you on for a bit of the conversation, which in my perspective is always part of the fun of the book club.

Erin Aquin  0:55  
And if you're watching this as a replay later on the Superabound Collective is where you can share your insights asynchronously. It's also the place where we give a lot of really fun, amazing resources for business owners for leaders. The conversation is great that's happening in there. And we'd love to, for you to be part of our world. Yeah, to quote Ariel,

Steve Haase  1:21  
I know I was about to sing.

Erin Aquin  1:24  
Okay, he's a good singer. Okay, but let's talk for another time. Let's talk about perfectionism.

Steve Haase  1:30  
Keep it keep it on point here. So chapter three of hidden potential is called the imperfection wrists. And it's the last part of the character skill section. And once again, I'm just gonna keep saying this. But what I love about framing it as a character skill, is that it means you can learn it, you can build it. Just like you can build your skill at building things or cooking things or you know, playing music, anything like that, you can build these skills of character. And this one is especially important if you find yourself over working on stuff that doesn't really move the needle and wondering how to have a bigger impact in your life. Some of these insights that we're going to discuss and start working with will help you break out of that in a powerful way. I was really moved when I read this chapter, Greg examples, but really profound insights into why we spend time on the minutiae rather than the things that are going to really change our situation, change our change our world. And what to do about that.

Erin Aquin  2:41  
I loved this chapter as well, because he provided so many really interesting examples. But you shared this quote, I think already today, I'm going to, I'm going to probably not remember it correctly. Oh, but beating yourself up doesn't make you stronger, it just leaves you bruised. And that has been something that's been really central I love that Adam Grant is talking about in such a public place, because that has been really central to a lot of the work that you and I do as coaches. Because we work so often with business owners and leaders to tend to use overwork and perfectionism as like a very unnatural barometer for success. So I really appreciated how he talked first about one of the most tangible examples was about the architect who had no formal training. But his buildings were the ones that didn't fall down during a major earthquake, because of his ability to focus on what actually matters when you're building a building. And not to get hung up on the perfect materials, the perfect design. So I thought that that was just a really potent example that he used, I highly recommend if you haven't read this chapter, if you haven't picked up the book yet, do so because it might change your mind, especially if you think of yourself as a perfectionist.

Steve Haase  4:13  
Yeah, it's so powerful and the takeaway from the architecture examples and then also his own story of diving is that the that mastery is about knowing which flaws to accept. And the fatal flaw of the perfectionist is that they will not accept any flaws, right? If you're like, No, we must iron out this and iron out that make sure everything is completely buttoned up. You will never ship you will never have the courage to focus on the higher impact things instead, you know, waiting until all the little flaws are ironed out. It's a way of kind of protecting yourself from criticism protecting your ego from the experience of failure. And being a master means you know that the most important things are there so you can share A bit with some flaws on the stuff that isn't as important.

Erin Aquin  5:03  
And the thing is, I think, you know, if we just think about this, with our, our business owning friends and clients and us as business owners, there's, I think I watched so many people try to do it right the first time, they will create a product or a program and want to completely finish it didn't want the web they they're like, Well, I can't release it until the website is beautiful. And I've got all the modules recorded, and the other workbooks, the product is like, you know, going to sell a million copies. The thing is, that kind of only exists in like the fantasy of our own lives, you don't actually know what the market is going to accept or reject until you put something out there. I routinely work with people who kind of get themselves into like a creative. A creative swamp, let's say, because they will say, well, I need to have you know, every single social media posts for the next month, totally sorted before I can publish the first one. And it's wild, because you're not open to responding to what's actually happening in your industry. So it's kind of maybe a silly example. But yesterday, we had something kind of come up in our life, and I started posting about it. Not a planned thing, but I don't know, there's like 50 comments on this. This topic. It struck home. And I was like, Well, I'm so glad we don't we didn't have every single facet of our next month of all of our marketing built out because it seems like this is a hot topic for people we're talking about, like toxic marketing marketing, where people try to make you feel bad. And then they say, Well, my product is the solution. I just think like that shit is so bad, it's so bad. So we're gonna record a podcast about it next week. And I was thinking about if I had all of my little pieces all aligned and already perfect. I wouldn't have even entertained the idea to talk about what's actually important for my people, what's making them mad right now. So that I think becoming an imperfection. Earnest is one of those things where it also allows you to respond and be in relationship with the world around you. Yeah, different way.

Steve Haase  7:42  
It's almost like perfectionism blocks your power.

Erin Aquin  7:46  
Adam Grant and say that, I will say that I actually agree with you,

Steve Haase  7:51  
right? Because what you're talking about is tapping into something powerful, that you're feeling something that's real and authentic. And then that you discover resonates with other people. And so then that's, that's real flow, rather than, you know, delivering something perfect. And what I found really insightful and just so powerful from this chapter is that the way that we're trained to become perfectionists is from our education, from our upbringing. And it's like our formative years are spent in contexts that are knowable, right? Your education, you're like, okay, the highest you can get is 100% on this test, maybe some extra credit, maybe 105, maybe 110. But like, the teacher sets the boundaries, and then the good student will like, fill those boundaries to the top and you're like, I'm gonna get that 100%. And you do that for years and years, maybe even decades of your productive life. And then suddenly, you go out into the work world, they're like, Okay, now it's different. You many people will still try to meet those same standards, but perfectionism only makes sense in a controlled environment with unknowable 100%. And if you think about your life in the work world, when you're talking about people, and many unknowable situations and influence is beyond your control. The idea of 100% loses any sense that it may have ever had. Yeah,

Erin Aquin  9:25  
you know, what's coming to me right now is like, the perfectionist leanings create good conformists but not good Creatives.

Speaker 1  9:36  
Yeah, yeah. Like, blocks creativity,

Erin Aquin  9:39  
it blocks creativity in in a lot of ways. And, you know, it makes sense. Like, in a school, a school classroom with 30 kids, they probably need some boundaries and standards. So it's not a judgment on that. But I remember it's, it's funny, I remember getting like hi 90 is on a math test once which math was so hard for me, I was not like, into math. And I think I had some unhelpful beliefs from one parent about math. And I remember my dad saying to me, like, Oh, you got a pretty good grade, but like, what did you do spell your name wrong. Like he meant it totally as a joke. My dad is very sarcastic. He's a really fun person. But I remember as a kid, just thinking, like, I'm still a total idiot, because I didn't get a perfect score. And that took, it's not his fault. I'm not traumatized. We love him. But like, it's really interesting, because that kind of joke. And Adam Grant talks about this with his own mother in the tractor, his version of that. But that joke, I saw so many other examples of that being reinforced in a way that wasn't joking throughout my school career. And it really took probably the first five years of me being an entrepreneur, to like, stop making myself wrong, because I didn't do the things that conventional business wisdom said you were supposed to do. I, I love to blow people's minds. As a business owner, when I say when people are like, well, you know, I should only be working on one project at a time. And you know, I should like, always follow my calendar. But I really have a hard time doing that. And I often will tell people like, Oh, I just move things around in my calendar all day long. I am always working on 10 projects, I literally have five different business things going on, that I'm sure my business partner does not appreciate. By I realized, like I am, I am a creative person. And rather than trying to constrain that and make myself wrong, and make that some kind of a flaw, I've embraced that and built a pretty we've built a pretty successful company, even with not being a perfect CEO, in my power suit.

Steve Haase  12:13  
Well, it's because you're focusing on things that could move the needle, rather than focusing on the one thing and getting it just right. Yeah. So I think that's a question to consider here in our non boring leadership book club is where are you focused on details that don't move the needle? What are you trying to get perfect, that might be costing you a greater impact by stepping outside of your comfort zone and doing it, you know, accepting some flaws.

Erin Aquin  12:42  
Yeah, I'm a way that I've, I've worked on this with people, I know you have done this, too. But it's like, Where? Where are you trying to be perfect as a defensive Act? As a way of not taking criticism, of not getting negative feedback. How is perfectionism a defensive move, rather than because it actually matters to something deeply important to you?

Steve Haase  13:22  
We'll give you a moment to think about that. Maybe write something down for consideration later. If you're in the Superabound collective, go ahead and share it with us there. This is Rich stuff. I mean, we all do this to some degree or another, right? That's why it's a character skill, you can always get stronger at it, you can always build this up. We're all learning this together. So go ahead and share, we can all grow together. Let's talk about some ways to become an imperfection artists to become masters in this way by embracing the right flaws. So Adam Grant lays out three things that I think are really powerful, good starting points for the conversation. The first is find the right problem to solve. He talks about his experience as a diver and he's like, I just have to make this one dive even more perfect is like no stop trying to make the one dive more perfect. Work on the harder one that's going to cause you more problems, but ultimately get you more points. So if you find yourself failing to ship or being slow to, you know, release something, ask what might be the most powerful problem to solve, even if it causes you more stress or heartache? Like if if you feel like okay, there's a there's another lantern to light here on the mountain of my vision. What might that be?

Erin Aquin  14:44  
Yeah, in Superabound terms, I think that's really, really helpful. Because usually the the next problem to solve is just another like mile marker on the trail between you and your next lantern. When you're really close to the lantern, you're just gonna like go for it, you're gonna have this momentum, it's gonna be a beautiful thing. But when you're like, I know there's a lantern up there somewhere that's just cold and waiting in the dark for me and my little torch to light it. If that is your orientation, you don't have to, like, step perfectly. Just climb the boulder elegantly, it's really about figuring out how do I just put one foot in front of the other, I just worked with a client earlier today, who has watched something she's been working on since childhood come to fruition in the last year. And it's basically setting her up for the rest of her life. It was like so powerful. And she said, I don't really have a lot of static, we call static, which is like the internal drama, the internal stuckness that we kind of get into that perfectionist know, well. But she said, I don't really have that about this next chapter, because I have been putting one foot in front of the other. For so long, I've been following my plan and not worrying about the times where it felt like a bit of a stretch, or it felt hard. Or I didn't do it perfectly. I've been just I stopped my path. And now she's set for life, which is really kind of gives me chills to, to share without sharing any details of my private client. With you. That's so cool. Yeah.

Steve Haase  16:39  
So asking yourself, am I working on the right problem, finding the right problem to solve even if that means, especially if that means stepping outside your comfort zone? We talked about in the very first chapter creatures of discomfort. That process of seeking out the thing that will have you grow, have you stretch? And this question of am I working on the right problem will be part of part of that little nudge part of that boost. So then the next the next path, the next the next practice towards becoming an perfectionist I mentioned is developing new skills in unfamiliar areas. And this let's see. I

Erin Aquin  17:26  
have to deal with it. Yeah, sure, please. Sure. I mean, I don't know if this is necessarily what he meant. I don't I don't remember his exact things. It's been a little while since I read this chapter. But my interpretation of this, I'll just give you mine. I'm sorry, Adam Grant. It's probably not exactly what you meant. But you have to get used to being uncomfortable. I mean, he's talked about this already in the book, doing things you know that you're not going to be great at. Like that's the thing when you're a perfectionist, you think that the first time you try something, you should just be amazing at it. And if you're not amazing at it. Well, I'm never going to do that again.

Steve Haase  18:05  
People say that kids are really great at this kids are terrible at this. My six year old is like it's like you only tried once.

Erin Aquin  18:11  
Oh my gosh, I have no I don't Okay, full disclosure for getting all the getting all my my deep dark secrets here. I am Canadian. You do not know how to skate. You believe it. The last time I went on skates. I think I might have been in grade seven. And it hurt my ankles. I fell the whole time. Half of my class were like, already in like hockey. Like they're all because you know, Canada, everybody loves hockey, or I guess some people do and I don't I'm not at love. Whatever. Doesn't matter. I was terrible at it. And I just remember being so frustrated and leaving the ice rink we had to do it with like gym class, crying and just thinking I'm never doing this again. I am so bad at it. I'm not built for it. Like I actually told myself a story. I was like my ankles are very small. And very unsteady. I have this whole story about my baby you know a bird it was like I'm very hard. She'll say this like my hands a very bird like I could fall it breaks a whole big story because because I was comparing myself to people who had lessons and did hockey three nights a week and really cared about this sport, but I didn't know how to be uncomfortable. And I thought if I suck at it, it's so embarrassing. And kids, they get very embarrassed, right? Totally just messed myself up about it. Because of that. perfectionist like it wasn't a 98% It was a 40% and it hurts and I was not prepared for that level of discomfort. So

Steve Haase  19:59  
it's So I would say, you know, putting this into practice, find something and it doesn't have to be immediately relatable to your business like these are things that will help you just build that experience of embracing imperfection, knowing the right flaws to allow, becoming skilled that that will allow you to bring it into your business and bring that mindset of what's what's really going to matter here. To, to your work to your leadership.

Erin Aquin  20:29  
Yeah. You know, we will often talk about when things feel really shut down, like when you're just in an emotional place when something you thought might be perfect, didn't work out, or something that you were really banking on working is a total fail. Using your bigger vision to highlight the progress. And to use that as a point to build your own resilience, which I think is coming up in the book he's going to talk about.

Steve Haase  21:12  
So the third point that is, is something that we released a podcast on just today was how to how to handle your mistakes. Because if you're a perfectionist, and you're confronted with a mistake, the desire to protect yourself to shield yourself from the reality of that failure, or whatever it is, is very strong, you will want to either not review the mistake or review the mistake in order to beat yourself up. His point here that I think is is so empowering is to review your mistakes, to educate your future self, not to punish your past self. Oh, that's good. And my own experience of this. I like I think one of the most vivid memories I have of this and I know I still do it to various degrees. But when I was in high school, I was in the Chicago Youth Symphony. And we would play all these big, big pieces of orchestral repertoire, like it was, it was it was grown up stuff, and we were you know, 16 year old 17 year olds, just giving it our best shot. But somehow the trumpet section as a trumpet player, we we created this ritual where after a concert, we'd sit there in the locker room and sit there and we'd be hanging out and we go through, you know, movement by movement, the whole concert we say, where did we where did we mess up? Where did we miss note? Where were we out of tune? And we mentioned it and we smack ourselves on the knee with our metal mouthpiece like metal to patella bow to sort of punish ourselves for cracking notes.

Erin Aquin  22:53  
Oh, yeah, no, no. We married for 10 years never heard and eventually

Steve Haase  22:57  
became so power so painful. Like the hitting ourselves if need be. We put down the mouthpiece and then we just give ourselves Charley horses like hard punch to the thigh for all the notes that we missed. And like talk about an example of punishing your, your past self for mistakes, rather than educating your future self for you know, to grow.

Erin Aquin  23:18  
I can't even How did I not know that story?

Steve Haase  23:21  
That was part of our practice, which is you walk yourself through the performance. You're like, oh, yeah, that was horrible. And wham. Don't do that.

Erin Aquin  23:30  
Wow. Don't do. Yeah, because but like, okay, but that you did that because of some cultural narrative.

Steve Haase  23:40  
That said, 100% is possible that you

Erin Aquin  23:43  
should be doing it, you should be doing it and that if you're not doing it, that's very bad. And the way to train yourself to do it is basically give yourself actual bruises. Adam Grant, Axel says I'm in great pain, knee pain and long lasting knee pain. You

Steve Haase  23:59  
still have the pain? Yeah, but it wasn't from a different incident. So the last, the last piece that we're going to leave you with here is where he talks about the minimum lovable product. I think that's so cool. Because in the in the startup world, we talked about the minimum viable product. And that can cause some people to say no, you know, my company we need we need a higher a higher bar than just viable. Some some businesses it's like no, let it look like garbage. Working at HubSpot, there are stories of the original software. The server lived on Dharmesh his phone. So like if he went on through a tunnel or something where there wasn't any service, the software would go down because like his phone was running Appspot or something like that. And that's viable, right, like barely viable. So what he's talking about here is maintain a clear and high bar for what it is you want to create. Like set your standards for lovable, make it high, make it clear But know that there will always be room for improvement. That way you can embrace your own imperfection with warmth and with love. Without letting it be, you know, a soup of mediocrity, which, which, which is kind of people's argument to the contrary, they're like, Oh, if I just love myself for everything I do, it'll just be a soup of mediocrity. And I think that the beautiful adjustment here is the minimum lovable product.

Erin Aquin  25:30  
Yeah. Because when you when you love, like, I'll just compare this maybe to like a person or like a dog, if you love a dog. And it doesn't do what it's supposed to do or eat your favorite slipper. You know, there's, you're going to train that dog, you're not going to say, well, the dog is we're done with the dog because it ate a slipper. Probably, if you actually love the dog, you're going to say, Oh, that wasn't good. We need to train the dog. We're going to help the dog be better and not eat slippers. I actually really love that. So what is the standard for a lovable, minimum lovable product. As Steve mentioned, we also just recorded a podcast on something we've used in our business for a few years called $10,000 learnings, it's a way of it's actually helped me be much less of a perfectionist. And I've come a long way since my ill fated scaling school trip. And Steve has come a long way since hurting himself with trumpet pieces. We don't do that anymore. Instead, we have a whole reflection period where we talk about the things that we learned that are worth $10,000 or more to our business and we share that whole process and where that came from on this week's podcast at besuperabound.com/podcast Yeah,

Steve Haase  26:55  
take a listen. We'd love to hear your thoughts. Love to hear your thoughts on the this chapter of the book or any other insights you're getting from hidden potential. It is so aligned with the work that we do with our clients in terms of developing skills of character, breaking free from perfectionism. And it's, it's just powerful stuff that's going to bring more of you to the world, which is what the world needs.

Erin Aquin  27:21  
Yes, big thanks to Adam Grant for writing such a beautiful book that makes so many of these pretty deep principles really accessible to a lot of people and backs them up with great stories and studies. And yeah, we're really appreciating this book. So hopefully if you haven't yet checked it out, you will go and grab a copy.

Steve Haase  27:42  
And if you're not yet in the Superabound collective join us there besuperabound.com/collective and we will see you next time.