What's being served: white wine, red wine, and one story about a bat.
Erin got hit in the head by a bat (the flying kind not the baseball kind) and Elana's fighting an illness, so she's in that stage where ordinary tasks feel weirdly hard and her body is politely declining.
Two tired coaches, two glasses of wine, and one obvious question they hadn't planned to talk about: what happens to your coaching business when your body won't cooperate?
Most of us plan our client work down to the minute with no wiggle room. No sick days. No emergencies. No bodies that change without asking. Somewhere along the way a lot of coaches learned to push through and call it dedication, and then make themselves wrong for adjusting anything at all.
If you've ever coached through a migraine, a funeral, or a shock you hadn't processed yet, pull up a chair. There's a way to be honest about your capacity without letting anyone down, and it starts with noticing which of those two things you're actually doing.
Connect with us:
Elana McKernan is a Master Certified Life and Creativity Coach who specializes in helping perfectionists create more by treating themselves better. Find her on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/elanamckernan/ and book a consultation at https://www.coachingwithelana.com/book-a-consult.
Erin Aquin is a Master Certified Life Coach and co-author of the #1 bestseller "Superabound: Live the Life the Universe is Dreaming For You." Read the book at https://besuperabound.com/book and book a consultation at https://besuperabound.com/consultation.
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Hey, welcome to the Coaching Mixer. My name is Elena and I am Erin. And today we have not talked about what we're going to talk about, but Erin did say something that I found extremely intriguing before we hit record. [laughter] Erin, would you like to share? We were just talking about how we're both like a little bit tired today. I have my wine. I hope hopefully you I do too. Sleepy time wine. Yes. Could be the last. It could be 8:00 p.m. bedtime. [laughter] Cheers to that. Cheers. White wine. Red wine. Mhm. But I was saying I'm I'm like a little tired. It's been kind of an eventful week because we were at a party on Saturday and it, you know, it's a little bit of a drive and we're coming home and I was like, we're going to have a nice like early bedtime going to be in bed before 1000 p.m. maybe watch a movie with the kids. We're like walking up to our door like all talking about what we might want to like snuggle up and watch. And Steve is 6'4. He's a tall person. He walks by. Both my kids are kind of like waiting for us to get our keys out. A bat comes swooping down, hits me in the head, and takes what? And I don't think it bit me, but it definitely like made contact and with like any contact with a bat, you're supposed to Yeah. You don't want to with rabies. Yeah. So, yeah, the um I was in the ER until about 1 in the morning. Oh my goodness. got some fun shots and um and then it's like I think you you do like four different rounds. It's you know I I have no issue I was an acupuncturist have no issue with needles but I'm definitely just like feeling tired and I've been sitting in you know doctor's offices and urgent care things just to I'm like I'm pro I probably got sick from like sitting in the I'm not sick but I but you know I just [laughter] feeling run down. Yeah. Um, yeah. How are you? Do you have rabies? Get it? Bit by an animal. To my knowledge, I do not have rabies. I have not had any bat encounters or any other wildlife encounters that lead me to believe any of that. I'm knocking on my wooden table just in case. Um, wow, that's really intense. I'm glad that you're okay and that you're getting the treatments and also like that sounds like a lot and that sounds like the exact opposite of the experience you were hoping to have. Not that anyone wants to have a bad encounter, but yeah, I was like, maybe I'm supposed to be a vette. Maybe I should like what can I do with these powers of being [laughter] being uh immunized against rabies? [laughter] Just go pet some rabid dog squirrels or something. Go be one with the [laughter] wildlife. [gasps] Oh boy. Yes. Well, I am tired, but not for any reasons as interesting or out of the norm as what you've described. It's just been a busy like kind of hectic work week. And um I think uh my partner Jordan, he's like he might have caught something from he does um kendo like a the martial art and he might there are some kids that go there as well. So he's like always exposed to stuff there. So, he's been like sort of fighting something off and I'm in the stage where like I'm just really tired and my body is like no and normal things that would be easy like aren't. So, I'm thinking I might be just fighting something off like on the brink, right? Yeah. Um t the season like back to school. Um yeah, one of my kids has already been home for a couple days. One of them sounds like they're getting something. Steve traveled, came home sick. I'm the only one [laughter] who hasn't been sick, but I have been to the I have been exposed to people who are sick. It's coming. Nothing that some good wine cannot help prevent, right? Western medicine. Cheers to that. Cheers to that. [laughter] Oh my goodness. Um, so do you have any topics in mind for today? I mean, maybe just following this thread, I would love to maybe like talk about that because I think as entrepreneurs and coaches, you know, our work relies on us being present and and being well. And most of us like don't plan for, you know, the colds and the flu and things that that happen. But also like when maybe something more serious is going on, whether it's your own health or, you know, needing to take care of somebody, how do we navigate that um in a way that's caring? Because I know for myself, it took me a lot of years and a lot of um probably being really mean to myself along the way to actually like be able to take a day off when I was sick
or like give myself downtime after uh you know something eventful and not great has happened in my life. Like there have been times where I've had big emotional things happen and then I've just like gotten up and like gone to my desk and sat down. I Okay, another crazy crazy one. Maybe we talked about this before. Um I once had a person apparently like just like fall down dead outside of my house. Like a neighbor didn't know I was on a coaching call. Saw like ambulances and stuff. Finished my call. went outside, found out this information. I was not a person I I knew, but you know, I knew that it had happened and I was like definitely in shock about it and like got on my next call and coached. Whoa. I have a memory of being in school in one of my trainings like a long time ago and the director of the school like I telling her I didn't feel well and she said well maybe being of service to other people will like get you through it. I know that's an interesting state [laughter] it was an interesting thought. Um, but I think in some ways like I kind of made that like turned that a little toxic on myself. Yeah. Yeah. Because that is often what I do. [laughter] Notice the present tense. Yes. I still I Yeah. I mean I think I think there are some ways in which when I'm filled with big emotions like anger, there's a way of like transmuting those things through creative process. But there have also been times where I've definitely pushed myself to just like suck it suck it up basically is like the the lyrics in my to my song. Yeah. Um so where Wait, what do I want? I had like three different questions in my head. No, that's not you. Um so you it sounds like the like suck it up song is sort of what keeps you doing that. Is there anything else like what is your sense of why that happens for you? Like why you have that tendency? I think I've gotten better about it in my coaching business. Like if I really can't deliver something I feel like is going to be high caliber. I absolutely won't. But I've also watched a lot of people take that to such an extreme where I think it like breaks trust with a client. Yeah. And I I hate when people like cancel on me last minute. They're like, "Stub my toe." And so they just don't think I'm like up for coaching you today. I'm just like, "Come on. Wait, what?" [laughter] Yeah. It's interesting because I I don't know where I'm at with this tendency. I think I
am somewhere I think I've landed to a place where I like it's like a balance between is this serving me like to keep going is it serving me to cancel and like how like I think my journey has been I not that I would cancel a lot but like for a long time I had extremely high expectations of my ability to be present on a call, especially um and if I didn't meet those expectations, like if my mind wandered at all on the call or if I was feeling like 60%. I would make myself wrong for that. And I don't know that I actually would follow through on cancelling because of that. But like to me like my thoughts were almost like oh I should I shouldn't show up if I can't show up like 100%. So now for me it's like discerning am I being perfectionist about the ways in which I'm like allowing myself to show up or am I taking care of myself? Like those are some of the questions that run through my head a little bit. I wonder like I wonder if it would be helpful for people because I think these are really good questions and also I think the the discernment is very personal. Um, I kind of for for myself at least, I have kind of a not like a strict checklist, but I know that if it's something like a migraine, if I literally am in so much pain, I can't see the person, I feel like nauseous, I will absolutely cancel a coaching day. Um, but at least at at least at the time of this recording, my standard for that is because I require 24 hours notice from clients to cancel and I'm I'm strict about that. Um, I also require 24 hours notice for myself to cancel. I usually give people a free session. Yeah. Or I will say if you would like you know Steve can step in and coach you today if you have something you know in his skill set that would be helpful you can have a session with him like kind of have my replacement or you know we cancel today but then at the end of your program I'm going to give I'm going to gift you an additional session for the inconvenience and that feels really good to me to do. I've had to do it maybe like four or five times. Um, but I guess it comes back to like am I am I in my own head so much that I or am I in so much pain or discomfort that I can't be present? Yes. Cuz I've had days where I'm like, "Oh, yeah. I'm really stuffed up, but I'm I'm clear and I feel good. I just sound horrible. I look horrible." or like we're coaching with the cameras off today because I don't want you to be distracted by like my ghosty face. [laughter]
Um, but yeah, like I think like that's kind of my line is like will I be fully present for them? Not like [clears throat] will I be the most perfect coach of all time. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's more or less where I land as well. like this comes up maybe a small handful of times a year across all of my clients. Um, and I always, you know, of course because if I'm the one canceling the session, I will reschedule the session with them or tack it on to the end of their package. Um, but yeah, I think my criteria is something somewhat similar like is I think I want to balance like the like how could how well can I show up for this client and what capacity do I have to offer them because it's a space where like I'm holding a space for them. I want to make sure to have integrity around that and also like I I am also human. So, if I'm feeling like maybe a little sniffly, I don't necessarily need to cancel a session if I'm going to be like muting myself right one time to like sniffle. Yeah. Or or, you know, you're not putting them in any danger on Zoom of catching whatever, right? Yeah. Yeah. I do think for me it's much easier with one-on-one relationships than it is for larger like I've never actually hosted an event, but like I think I would be much more inclined to push through in situations like that or like group coaching. Um, yeah, that I'm a little bit hazier on. I feel like I might have a harder time with something like that. And I think that that makes sense. um my my like old event kind of planning tour managing mind comes online and it's kind of like one of the things I do definitely when I'm hosting something in person I am like I lock it down. I'm like no one's coming over to my house the weekend before if I have social plans I'm like hey everybody I'm hosting a retreat next week. It's very important that I'm not sick. I have I have canceled on friends who are like oh yeah my kid threw up at school. I'm like I'm so sorry. I love you and I hope they feel better. I'm not hanging out with you today. I'm just like I'm so like we all have kids and they're all like I think parents often kind of normalize the like everybody's always sick but I'm like nope not this week. Yeah. Um and I don't do anything else. like Mhm. I think in my mind I I like plan to be sick almost. I'm just like I need to pull back everything else. I'm not doing strenuous workouts. I'm not doing like all energy is being diverted to this experience I'm trying to create for for someone
which is fun. It's like a fun It's a fun uh game to play with myself. Yeah. I also take sick days when I'm not sick. What do you mean? [laughter] I will have at least like one day a month where I'm just like, "Oh, I'm like watching TV in bed for a couple hours. I'm going to read." I'm like I I I think I think it actually really works. It's like preventative medicine. And I do that with the metrics in mind. So I I have my little aura ring and I check my stats and if my stats are looking weird I'm like it's a pre- sick day so I'm I love that [laughter] chilling out preventative sick day. I love that. Yeah. Maybe you need God. I think I do. [laughter] Yeah. I I feel like it's interesting because like a year ago I dramatically scaled back my business because I was that was a really tough choice actually because I I and I grappled with this question quite a lot in making that decision. Um, I was experienc newly experiencing permenopause symptoms and it completely like upended everything that I thought I knew about myself and like what health looked like and what energy looked like. And so as I was trying to get that under control, I um gailed back a lot of my coaching. I didn't advertise any of my coaching. I downsized a little bit. I even like ended some contracts with clients and give them a refund um because I didn't feel like I had the capacity to show up at the like minimum level that I was comfortable with giving them. Um but yeah, it was a it was a period of kind of grappling with that equation of like, okay, is there still value in what I have to offer now? Can I show up with integrity with what I'm going through now, but also like not wanting to be perfectionist about like not to like toot my own horn, but I think like because I am kind of hard on myself, I have a like I might not be 100% but I do still think like coaching with me can be extremely valuable. So like I was like looking at it from a lot of angles before I made that decision. Um, and it definitely brought up a lot of stuff about like I should push through. I should be okay with this. I could like should figure out a way to make this work. Um, but I did need to take that time off, I think, or time reduced at least uh in order to like figure things out. and and where you are now. How do you think you're approaching your your business and your standards? Like what where are you at with it? Well, hormone replacement therapy has helped quite a lot. [laughter] Yay. Uh yes. Oh my god. Um yeah, within a week I was like, "Oh, I am a human and like there is hope in the world and also like I can focus on things." Um, but I think I have an I have a perspective now. I think I'm like kind of proud of myself for doing that, for seeing what was going on with myself. And my partner helped a lot as well with like when I wasn't really able to see as well. Like he was like, "Something's going on here. You need some help with this." Um, but yeah, I think I it is it was a little bit haunting to experience how quickly things that I thought were kind of integral to who I was and what my experience of the world was, like how quickly that can fluctuate and be somewhat out of my control. [laughter] Um, and I do think that in in a way I feel a little bit more secure in the idea that nothing is like permanent. It felt like that was a permanent shift and I had to grapple with like what if I can't coach? Like what if coaching is just not for me anymore? Um, but now I'm like even if it feels like that for six months or a year or two years, things might change. Um, yeah. I don't know where that fits into this conversation, but that's kind of where I'm at with it right now. I think it's really deep and I think it's something probably a lot of coaches in our in our age range maybe need to hear because the automatic thinking for so many of us is like, oh, it's something wrong with my mindset. Like, oh, I'm not think I'm not like what we talked about before, like I'm not thinking good thoughts. and that's my problem. And like how can I be a coach if my mindset is so this? It's like well that was not your mindset. That was literally physiological situation and fluctuation that needed a different approach and needed different care. And I actually think that your experience going through that is probably also so valuable for your clients because you can now spot the difference from like of course it's going to look different for every person and we don't diagnose when someone needs hormone replacement but it's a new offering to say this person knows the tools, they're using the tools and something isn't shifting in way for them in a like in a direction they like. What else could we explore? What else could my experience offer them? Yeah. Because otherwise we just have, you know, I mean, I was going to say, not knocking male coaches, my husband is a male coach. Um, but like he doesn't have that same experience of something like perry menopause. Yeah. Although he is benefiting from my cooling mattress topper right now. He's like, "This is [laughter] nice." Running underneath me, cooling me down. I'm like, "You're welcome." [laughter]
That's amazing. Yeah, I I totally agree. I definitely feel like um not that I I don't think my approach to coaching was like just like think your way to a solution. No, it [laughter] was not. I think either of ours I will back you up. you've always had a very deep sense of we don't tend to do that and also it it it humbled me in a way and I think situated like I both believe more strongly in the power of coaching and also I'm more aware of the limitations of coaching not in a I think it's a good thing like I think I'm like yeah circumstances matter for our client's experience of the world and I always like I knew that in certain contexts and also to like experience that very viscerally to me it it's definitely reinforcing that that like and like I do think in the at least one of the our shared learning context taken to an extreme could be very much like your thoughts are the only thing that matters the only that influences your experience of the world. If you are not happy with your experience of the world like just change your thoughts which is like I think I you know some people find that empowering and also there is a quality of like just like pull yourself up by your bootstraps and like let's ignore your entire context. Um so to have had that experience in this way among others you know in my past as well I think it is helpful and I feel much more like secure and confident in what coaching can offer in having experienced it very closely like what it cannot. You bring up something I think a lot of people need to ex coaches especially like need to examine and really think about because when someone is like oh I know I just need to change my thinking about this about a situation that's like horrible. I'm like I do think that [clears throat] I I call it like brain gymnastics. Sometimes you can do brain gymnastics within a situation. Um, especially a situation that you are currently in without a lot of options or you've decided to stay in for a period of time until you know you feel like you have resources to change the situation. I think in those ways, yes, changing your thoughts, playing around with different perspectives can be very, very helpful.
But when you are in a situation that you really don't want to be in and you're now scolding yourself and saying like I mean your your experience is like you could have you could have been like I shouldn't need hormone replacement. I should just think that pmenopause and everything about that is totally fine and natural and I should just grin and bear it like my ancestors had to. Well, they have other options. Yes. You know, they would have probably been very excited to have the resources and the conversations that we have today. Yes. Mindset would have been maybe their only option. Mhm. We are so lucky to have other options. And I just feel like when coaching reduces people down to
just think about our thought about it, that's when I think it's like harmful and like gaslighty. Yes. 100%. Yes. I love changing my circumstances as much as possible. I love it. I love helping my clients change. Like I love supporting them in changing their circumstances. Sometimes it's the easiest way to create like the most impact change in your life. And it also involves a lot of I could go on a soap box about this, but like No, please do. [laughter] I just like hate how changing your circumstances gets so maligned when as especially people socialized as women, we are not taught of like we're not taught very deeply the tools to change our circumstances. And we are not taught that it's like okay to go out into the world and be like I don't like that, I like that, I want that. I don't want that. that is not a skill that we are commonly taught. So like I also feel like it's just a little bit off like it takes a lot of mindset work in order to be able to change your circumstances. So like if you're going to apply your mindset work like why not apply it to the thing that you want instead of forcing yourself to be feel better about the thing that you don't necessarily want. I know that's like a simplification of a lot of the don't change your circumstances approach, but like I don't know. I like it though. I mean, why not? Why wouldn't we? And I know the argument that like, well, changing your circumstances won't make you happy if you haven't done the inner work to like feel contentment. Yes. Like, okay, sure. or making another million dollars won't make you happy if you're not happy with the million dollars you already have. Like, sure,
but you will be in a position with more freedom and more resources to get the support to feel that contentment actually. It's not going to hurt you. Yeah, probably. Yeah. It might make you realize what's wrong with the world and then suddenly you have a million dollars to throw at that problem and invest in shifting something that needs to change at a systemic level and only money can do it and now you're the person with that money. Like I just think there's there is more there is a more complicated argument to why sometimes changing your circumstances and realizing, okay, that didn't make me any happier. That's a great realization to have because then you know that the work needed is probably some kind of interior work. Yeah. But if you automatically say, "I shouldn't want a different situation for my life. There must be something wrong with me and my feelings and my thoughts."
You could you could be wrong and you would never know it. You'd be too busy like self-scolding your like I think about you know like back to like relationship coaching days. People would be like, "Well, I know that being in a different marriage might not make me happy." And I'm like, but how do you know that actually like just listed that you're tolerating? And not just that they're toler not like as though like my clients were not like victims in in any way, but I'm [clears throat] like you've set up a dynamic with this other person that is going to take a lot of time to untangle. And at the end of untangling it, you might realize you actually don't like this person. you were just playing into some kind of drama or pattern and working something like I think about it like kind of spiritual woo woo but I'm like you might have been working out something karmic with this other person and that's a lot of work to do. You can do it but you don't have to do it in this relationship. Yeah. actually free to like get out there, be alone, be with somebody else.
You might actually find that that the next person that you're married to makes you happy. Like I don't know you might not be the like this like you what you were attracted to or 18 is very different than 42. Yeah. I think people need a lot more freedom to figure stuff out than that. uh axiom like allows for the idea that like yeah like I just think it doesn't account for we are relational species we are interdependent we also have been many of us especially for women or socialized as women like we've been conditioned to be somewhat passive in our relationship to our desires and to the world and all of that requires like trying things and messing things up and being interacting and engaging a little bit more actively. So yeah, I'm I am very wary of any um ideas or like coaching philosophies that um [clears throat] caution like taking action. Yeah. And creating change. It's like, uno, stay here. Stay in this situation where you feel stuck and do the work of like untangling it all. It's like that's actually harder. Mhm. Yeah. And it's not like bad. Like I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But I don't like the whole like okay you could you could change your circumstance but you're gonna have this all follow like and I get it like the way brains work if you if it is a thought pattern that is like causing you unhappiness. You probably will carry that around in your other relationships. And also, like you said, maybe there's value in finding that out yourself and then being like, "Oh [ __ ] I have to look at this now." [laughter] Yeah. Maybe there's value in finding that out in a relationship where with somebody who's more emotionally available than your current partner where you can have a like I mean I definitely I think about my we so Stephen and I have been married for 12 years as of like two weeks ago. Woo. Feel the happy belated. Thank you. And but I mean like I think about the first year of my marriage where all my like patterning was coming up and like just like so much like angst towards him and just like freaking out. I moved to like you know I moved I was living in the US at the time. I didn't really know anybody. It was like very tumultuous for me in there was a lot of turmoil. But with who he was, I could like work out all of that stuff with somebody that was so present and so mature. You know, he had been married earlier in his life. Mhm. You know, he he had kind of like understood a lot of my very immature, compulsive like freak out about this huge commitment. And because of that, like it healed so much of my past relationship stuff that like I think about if I had stayed with one of my long-term partners before him [clears throat] to be like, I need to change my thoughts and stay in this relationship while I do it. That would have been a [clears throat] terrible life. [laughter]