301: Learning to Ask For What You Want

Erin Aquin  0:02  
Welcome to the Superabound Podcast with master coaches, Erin Aquin and Steve Haase, where entrepreneurs and leaders learn coaching tools to help you build a business you love. You are listening to Episode 301: Learning to ask for what you want. Okay, we have done episodes in the past about sales and marketing, we use a pretty particular method of of selling and marketing called relationship based sales. It has really helped us build a very successful business. But what we want to talk about today is not so much the how to have relationship based sales and marketing. But really, why it's so hard sometimes to ask for what you want, whether that is in your personal life, or whether that is in your business, we really want to sort of address why it's so hard to maybe get to the point of really being excellent at sales and marketing and having those things feel generous for the world rather than like greedy, and all selfish or whatever people kind of think about sales and marketing.

Steve Haase  1:23  
It's such an important topic, because if you aren't asking for what you want, the chances of getting what you want are small, it might happen, things could fall into your lap, that universe could be stole you with some marvelous gift that you had wanted exactly that. But usually, that's not how it works. And even the most visionary, bold entrepreneurs and business owners will sometimes hang back and hope that a team member gets it right. Or hope that a customer says yes, rather than actually being clear about what they want in terms of job performance, or about what they're offering in terms of a transaction. And so we're gonna go into a little bit of the, why do we do that? Help you feel a little better about yourself, perhaps if you do this, there's no shame in. In doing this, it just means you're human, and give you some pointers in how you can start to make the ask for what you want.

Erin Aquin  2:25  
Yeah, and I'll say just before, anyone who is not an entrepreneur thinks, Oh, this isn't for me, this really does apply whether what you want is a business transaction, or whether what you want is a race, a different job opportunity, more help around your home, whatever it is, we get kind of, we can stumble on asking for what we want. So that's really what this is about. And of course, because this is more of a business podcast, we were going to give you some business examples, some very close to home ones, in fact, but figure out what it is, as you're listening to this episode, what it is that you really want, but maybe just haven't felt like you could ask for. So I'll share kind of first, I've noticed a phenomenon about myself, I have worked in some form of sales and marketing basically, from day one of my like working life like since I was 14, I have had either I started working in retail, I have promoted bands like selling their music, selling concert tickets, I have worked in radio. And I've had my own business for over a decade in some form or another I guess almost two decades at this point. Ah and I will say I am actually a pretty good salesperson when it comes to selling something that I have not personally connected with. We've talked about before one of the gifts we sometimes give our clients is this special aura ring. I sold a lot of these to people at parties over dinners, whatever like fitness trend I am on I sell that shit everywhere. I have actually two friends who say that whenever they get together with me they're scared because they know that they will end up buying some very expensive gadget or thing for their house. They always love it. But I am I get enthusiastic about things that I really care about things I really believe in things that have changed my life. Where I start to get kind of stuck is when there's a personal benefit to me in selling that so I have sold coaching in some form or another coaching with me coaching with Steve coaching with our business for years. And coaching is something that has changed our lives profoundly, it has really transformed who I am. But I still sometimes will feel like a little bit nervous, I don't want to be pushy, I don't want people to think that I'm just in it for me. And I would say that this is probably the number one thing that many of us who are in business or who are trying to get something we want, are very aware of, we know that there's sleazy, slightly unethical sales tactics out there that people use, where the recipient gains and the buyer loses. And we don't want to be lumped in with that category, which makes asking for what we want. little heart sometimes Yeah.

Steve Haase  6:01  
And so the place to begin in learning to ask for what you want, is actually being clear about what it is that you want. The story that you had from today was very straightforward. We have a book, it's coming out, the very week that you're hearing this podcast, if you're listening, the week that it is released in late July, and it is the product of years of our work. We've invested many dollars into making it beautiful, making it very impactful. And so we wanted to kind of activate our network of people who we have helped in the past, not in a transactional way. But in a way, this is one way that we can all help each other. Right. We've we've we've been there for you, here's an opportunity for you to be here for us. And you kind of experienced a moment of pause. Yeah,

Erin Aquin  6:59  
that's a nice way of putting it I was agonizing over it. It's a really funny thing. My my old static, my kind of old programming really just came came up in a big way. Because I was saying, Okay, well, what I want is I want every single one of these people, we've had over 60 guests on this podcast, I want every single one of these people to buy a book and maybe buy one for a friend or share it with their own community. That is what I want. I want to feel an outpouring of support, and love from, from my friends from the business connections we've made over the years. That is what I really, really want to pull up the Spice Girls. But it felt as I was starting to craft that email, it felt really yucky. It felt really yucky to say, hey, remember back when I had you on my podcast is not in every single case. But I've had a lot of people approached me over the years and say, Hey, you have a community, I think what I have to share might be helpful. Would you like be open to having me on as a guest and promoting my work? Not in every single case, sometimes we approach our guests as well. But there is probably a lot of goodwill from some of the people that we've been able to support over the years through hanging out in our community and sharing their work. And I totally sat there, I don't get writer's block, I feel like I have access to a lot of creative juice at all times whenever I need it. And I sat there just kind of looking blankly at the screen. Unable to think of how to just say can you do for me what something I've done for you? Not in a you owe me energy. But in the spirit of those people were bold enough to ask why can't I and I realized that my static my former programming is that I'm a quote unquote good person. If I generously give if I share things if I support my friends, but I am not a good person. If I asked for that same support. I shouldn't have to at this point in our business, I shouldn't have to ask other people to give me their time or their hard won resources of their community. I shouldn't ask people outright to please support our book by buying it. That's the biggest thing people can do is buy and post a review. It was like I was asking them for an organ or an extra finger. That is like how had the static felt as it was coming up for me. And it was just a really interesting thing. Luckily, I live with an amazing coach. And

Steve Haase  10:24  
we just had a conversation about it. And I, I'm curious, what was the wisdom from that static? What? What did it reveal?

Erin Aquin  10:35  
Well, the wisdom from that static is that it feels good. For me to give, it feels good for me to feel generous. But I actually feel out of control when I'm asking someone for something out of control and weak. So it was really clear that in that moment, I was feeling like, weak. I'm like, Oh, I can't do this all alone. Even though all we talk about is collaborating with community, one of our big things we share so often, it's like, we are constantly in collaboration with other people and the universe. And one of our business values is we expect magic, which means we do put ourselves out there we do ask. And I was coming up against some old, some old shit, basically.

Steve Haase  11:34  
Yeah. And it makes sense that if you're feeling weak, if you're feeling what was the other thing you said, nearly

Erin Aquin  11:42  
no, but probably that too.

Steve Haase  11:45  
Are these are not pleasant experience aren't control

Erin Aquin  11:48  
out of control. Yeah, not maybe feeling like you

Steve Haase  11:51  
don't have control of your own destiny. You're feeling weak, of course, you're gonna back away from that. And so in your own inquiry, as you consider you know, how to learn how to ask for what you want. There's something that's stopping you from making that ask. And it's something that makes deep sense, right, Erin, in your case, it's not wanting to feel out of control, not wanting to feel weak, not wanting to put your prosperity in someone else's hands and their their willingness to help you out.

Erin Aquin  12:27  
I don't want to bother people. Yeah, your desire

Steve Haase  12:29  
to be a good person by not asking for things. All of those are like, those are the deep currents of personality and of action, and conditioning. Right? Exactly. Those are the deep currents of conditioning that prevent you in this case, from making that ask. But we all have our own flavor of that conditioning that kind of gets in the way of, of a powerful, empowering, open hearted ask.

Erin Aquin  12:58  
So I love that. And one of the things you can do as you're listening to this and thinking about something maybe you want to ask for, but haven't is really identify that same feeling. What is the feeling that prevents you from asking what is the long held belief that maybe you have about asking, maybe for you, it's a fear of being rejected, maybe it's a fear of total silence. Whatever it kind of is, it's really helpful to be aware of that. And, you know, I'm having a very human moment is sharing this kind of vulnerable thing with all of you listening. But at the end of the day, I am a coach, and I am a Superabound coach. And so what kind of emerged, as Steve and I were talking is, oh, I have a tool for this. I have to remember the vision that I'm holding, that is so much bigger than the discomfort and the static of this moment. Maybe I'll feel weak. Maybe I'll feel out of control. But what I want to create is worth those feelings. It's worth going through those feelings. Because I'm pretty sure that some of these relationships that I've built, there's going to be people that say, yes, there's going to be people that say, I don't really have a community but sure I'll buy a book. There's going to be people that buy books for friends or share it with their own people or have us as guests on their podcast or in their community. I know that that's on the other side. And I have to be willing to sort of move through the things that feel sticky, the static I don't like in order to not only find a clear have a place to be, but actually create the solution to feeling out of control is to create something new, something that I want to be in. And so this is something we discuss a lot in the book is connecting to the vision you have for your life that is bigger than this temporary feeling that's holding you back.

Steve Haase  15:29  
Yeah, so the kind of processing and the understanding of the feeling will bring awareness to you. But ultimately, you're the one who has to be willing to move forward, even if that feeling doesn't go away. Sometimes it will transform if you kind of embrace it with warmth and understand it, and you'll feel empowered, and everything will be amazing. But sometimes it'll just feel like getting into that cold plunge, you're like, No, I don't want to do it. But then you do it. And then you get the benefits. So yeah, connecting with that vision, your reason why you want to ask for what it is that you want. That's the that's the icing on the cake. That's what makes it inevitable, that you will move forward, no matter how that feels.

Erin Aquin  16:06  
Yeah, I think that that is an important point for everyone, especially those of us who love mindset work as sometimes we feel like okay, now I've got to really dig deep, and like solve this feeling or change this belief and like embrace a whole new way before I can move forward. It's lovely when that happens. And it's definitely something to work on. You know, I want to work on this belief I have that I can give but not receive. I can give but non ask. I'm definitely happy, I see that. And I'm definitely going to be working with that belief, because that's my job. But I don't need some sparkling, new, amazing feeling in order to just send some some emails, it's not. The other. The other thing I'll maybe share that came up within all of this experience was it's also another opportunity when you find yourself in static that makes you want to freeze or makes you want to pull back and not go for asking what you want. It's an opportunity to connect more deeply with your vision. The way I was coming at this was all I'm asking for something that I want, and it's of no benefit to anyone else. So what I did was I picked up the book, I started flipping through some of the pages and reading it. And remembering that the thing I want is actually going to be great for other people to the thing I want is for people to read this book and use it to change their lives and have an impact in the world. That's actually generous. Doesn't mean I don't benefit, I want to benefit. I want to sell a lot of books, I want to welcome new people into our world, we have a companion course that we've created to help walk people through, I want everyone who reads it to buy that course. Of course I do. But not because I'm expecting to be Scrooge McDuck with my coins in the bathtub. But because I want to create a world where more people are living the life, the universe is dreaming for them.

Steve Haase  18:17  
Yeah, and you can use this in your own business and your own leadership, it the image that was coming to me and this aligns with what you were saying with the vision being greater than the challenge or the static at hand. It's it's of where your desire for the vision of your business is the main thing. It's like this giant overarching pyramid, and then the benefit that you get from it lives within that pyramid. And the benefit that your team gets from it is even greater than the benefit that you get from it. So as long as it's the the vision for the business, then the opportunity for the team, and then the opportunity for you in that order. It's okay, if you benefit as well. But being connected to that hierarchy of needs, right, that that kind of bigness of the vision is how you can be okay with getting your own personal benefit from an ask that you have for somebody else.

Erin Aquin  19:13  
Okay, and I think I just want to clarify this because I might disagree a little bit only because I know so many people who already are so tuned to like self sacrifice. I'm definitely working that out with myself. It's a work in progress. It's so easy to say okay, it's fine as long as I'm third on the list as long as it's about the big vision and the team or the company and the team and then me I'm it's okay if I benefit as a side effect. I also think that when we live a life where we are benefiting from that life, when we have a lifestyle that really makes us feel superabundant overflowing with everything we need, it is, as a side effect better for the world. I don't think you necessarily need to be third in line to make yourself okay with getting what you want. You know, I, when I sell something that has nothing to do with me, you know, Aura has never called me and said, Can we give you a referral bonus for all the rings you sold on our company's behalf, they have never done that. But when I know someone is suffering with a sleep issue, very happy to tell them how this helped me not because I benefit from it, because I think they're going to think I'm a genius for telling them about a piece of equipment. But because I truly care about that other person, I know that if their life is better, that's going to be better for the world. It has nothing to do with a direct benefit to me, so there's no static about it. When there is a direct benefit to me, I have to remember that it's totally allowed. When someone pays me for coaching, it is for them, they are doing that for them, not me. I get to do my work in the world. And that's a benefit to me. But that person gets all of the value of that transaction. So don't worry about being selfish. And know that when you're nourished when you've got what you need. Often the world's a better place by extension. You couldn't if it's not the world globally, like your world. How happy is your family when you're tired? How happy is your team when you're stressed about money? It's okay to ask for what you want. Even if you think it's only going to benefit you. But just be honest about that. I guess I guess that's how we stay away from sleazy sales techniques. That's how we stay away from bad yucky marketing. is be honest about how you benefit and how they benefit.

Steve Haase  22:22  
Yeah, and I love that it. What you're pointing out is that the the pie is not finite, there is an infinite amount of pie to go around. And so being interested in your slice does not mean someone gets a smaller slice. Yeah, ask for what you want, simply because you want it. And that works too.

Erin Aquin  22:47  
I mean, when you're Yes. And that that is kind of more of the personal life stuff. In business, you obviously have to illustrate why you are offering what you offer, why the sale matters to the client, or else you're not going to sell anything anyway.

Steve Haase  23:02  
value equation has to work out. But in that spirit, we're going to ask you to buy this book. Yes.

Erin Aquin  23:09  
Don't just buy it. Because Okay, so we want you to buy it. But more than we want you to buy it, we want you to actually read it, we want you to read it and apply it to your life. Don't let it collect dust. By it, crack it open the day it comes to you start reading, if you are one of those people, like maybe like me sometimes collects a lot of books. I love having books on my bookshelf, I feel so happy when I go into the library. And there's tons of books everywhere. But when I'm really serious about reading a book, I kind of have to give myself a bit of a plan. And so one of the things that we have done with Superabound is we've created a course a companion essential course to help you not just get through the book and read it and think Oh, lovely ideas, but actually use the tools and the concepts actually use them in your life. And we're giving you some exclusive tools that have sort of evolved since we published the book that are only available inside that course and will make your experience that much richer.

Steve Haase  24:13  
So you can get the book at any bookseller or you can get the special bonuses at besuperabound.com/book. You can also learn about the course there and we would love to see you inside the course and with the book in your hands. Thank you for listening