271: Coaching That Truly Helps People

Episode Transcript

Erin Aquin  0:02  
Welcome to the Superabound podcast with master coaches, Erin Aquin and Steve Haase, where business owners like you learn tools that help you clarify vision, clear up static and overcome challenges. You are listening to Episode 271 coaching that truly helps people. Okay, fair warning, we might say things today that rubs some people the wrong way. Steve and I do our best to be kind and non divisive. But what we're going to share our authentic experience when it comes to the coaching industry. This episode really is for folks who are either already coaches or consultants or for people who might be interested in bringing coaching into the work they do, as maybe a leader as a business owner, maybe you want to, as we've talked about before on the show, coaching really helps you listen deeply. So it's something you can use for your clients. If you have a service based business. Coaching is just one of those very versatile tools. And if you're looking for sort of the right Certification Program, or places to do your training, or coaches to work with, we're hoping this episode really helps you. But that being said, we're gonna share our honest opinions about some things, not for the sake of tearing other people down. But just because we don't want to steer people in the wrong direction. I've had a few experiences in the last couple of years where I have given a referral to a service or a program. And the person I referred was not cared for deeply, and did not feel like they got what they paid for. And that is just appalling to me. I take my referrals very, very seriously. So we're going to share kind of where we're at currently. And please feel free if I've ever given you a referral for a coach or for a program. Reach out to me, because that may not no longer be valid, in my opinion. So here we go. We're kind of walking into delicate territory today. Welcome, Steve.

Steve Haase  2:19  
Thanks, Erin. It's great to be here, as always. And yeah, we're gonna talk about coaching that truly helps people. And the supposition within that is that some coaching does not. And so during our time today, we're going to help you sort through how to tell one from another how to actually determine what is going to be coaching that really moves the needle, in your business in your life, and has the impact that you want it to have? Because coaching has kind of come up in, in the mainstream, it's part of business conversations and culture, like what is the role that coaching has in our company, not all coaching is equal. And we're going to go through some of the differences that we've seen. And what has brought us to create what we feel is the most effective coaching program, the Superabound method, what makes it different from other coaching that you might come across? And how to tell the difference? What's going to be most effective in your life and your business? So let's start from the top. Most coaching that you're going to come across, especially in a business context, is action. biased, it's going to be what do you do? What do you say? How do you handle situations, That's powerful stuff. But it only goes so deep, because it stays on the surface, it stays with the stuff you can see, it doesn't really go into the motivations, those deeper layers of our humanity, our thoughts, our feelings, our desires, our aspirations. And so it leaves out a big piece of the puzzle, a huge part of the picture, when you're just focusing on things to do suggestions, frameworks, right, the things you can see, it has a certain power to it. That's why a lot of people use it. But unless you're tapping into those deeper currents of energy, and those deeper reasons why people do things, a coach who only uses those tools will kind of end up being a high priced accountability partner. And that is why some people kind of frown on that coaching over time. They're like, man, we're paying a lot just to have someone say, did you do it? Did you do it? Did you do it? And if you don't, they don't have a lot to kind of get under the surface and figure out why. And certainly not to figure out why in a way that doesn't make you feel worse about yourself for not doing the thing that was prescribed. If you've ever had this experience, you'll know what we're talking about that, you know you have a great conversation. You have a very clear action plan, how you're going to handle you know, a difficult conversation or interaction with someone that's a little tricky. You come back the next week or at your next session, they say, how'd that go? You're like, Oh, it didn't, or, you know, something along those lines. And instead of feeling empowered, or like you gained some insight, you actually just feel worse about yourself.

Erin Aquin  5:18  
Yeah, I remember I have a friend who was working with a coach that sort of was that. I'm sorry to be so disparaging. But yeah, like, was really just a high priced, very high priced accountability partner. And this coach, at some point, actually threatened to fire my friend as her client, if she didn't have the conversation. And she was, quote, unquote, supposed to be having. Like, to me, your coach is supposed to be the person supporting you to do what you want to do. But if all they've got in their toolkit is ultimatums and checking on you. It's sort of like, it means it's not even an accountability partner at that point, it's like being babysat by another adult. Which is problematic because I know that for some of us, accountability is really a beautiful thing, where you know, we will do something because you showed up for it, we did a podcast episode on smart accountability, which is how to actually use the power of of other people as a motivator and an inspiration. And how creating a team dynamic with other people who have a lantern similar to your lantern can be a beautiful thing. The problem is, if you're only kind of doing things because you don't want your coach to scold you next week, or you promised them you check in on Friday, and if you don't check in on Friday, then they're going to be really disappointed in you. There's like a layer of almost emotional manipulation there that I think is really harmful for the long run. Because even if you respond well to that, like a drill sergeant pushing you up the mountain towards your next lantern, then you're going to need that person to do anything, you're going to start to believe as I've have seen people believe about their coaches, that they will not be successful, that they will not achieve their next lantern that they will not light their next lantern unless they are working with this high priced accountability partner. And that is a problem. Because I personally believe that we as coaches, our job is to help our clients utilize the tools we have in their own life and adopt them adopt them and, and support them. Now, that isn't to say I personally as a coach have worked with some clients for four, five years. But I don't work with them. Because I've created some relationship that's manipulative, where they think they need me in order to succeed. They've, I've created a relationship with them, where they know that they have someone in their corner who they can basically bring anything to, and I will be there to support them through whatever challenge comes up. It's more a useful tool in their toolkit to success, not someone standing behind them and cracking a whip.

Steve Haase  8:20  
Yeah, that kind of relationship. It's like having a mechanic who can put a nice paint job on your car, but won't open the hood. Right, your car may look nicer, but it's not actually going to be any more powerful, not gonna run any smoother. So you need to be able to get under the hood. And that is mindset work. Now, the other side of what you might find in the world of coaching is people who are only focused on the mindset work. And it's a powerful thing, right? That's how you tap into those deeper layers of motivation and things you might be pushing away or avoiding. We all do it. And so it's it's really important to actually get down to those layers. But what often happens there is people will have the the mindset toolkit, and only rely on that. And while certain breakthroughs can happen on the mindset level, unless it's paired with strategy and the ways that those shifts internally actually impact your business. It ends up not having much leverage, not being high impact, right, nobody pays $20,000 Just to see their mind, which is one of the common refrains from a lot of coach certification programs and coaches themselves is that, well, if you just see what you're up to, then that's going to fix everything. That's not necessarily the case. There's a lot that you can cover, in coaching and in these conversations that go As well beyond just what someone is thinking, but if your main focus is on what's in your mind, what's in your heart, what are you up to, you're going to miss the bigger picture of how those things actually connect. So if you're feeling like the coaching is more of a kind of a repetitive low impact activity, it might be because the focus is almost entirely on mindset, not really connecting to the bigger picture. Yeah, and

Erin Aquin  10:27  
I mean, this may be, this may be something that only folks who are more mindset, coaching focus will understand, because it's a little bit subtle. But mindset coaching, the issue is, if you learned that your only job is to show people the way that their thoughts and their feelings are creating their life's outcomes, if that's the only tool you have in your kit, it's like that hammer will work for nails, but you're not going to be able to drill a hole with it, you're not going to be able to lay a foundation with it like it is one tool, it's a good tool. But the issue for many people is if you think that that's all the coaching is, as the coach, you're going to feel very hemmed in, because we're dealing with humans. And you can show someone how their thinking is creating their outcome. But then if you do it like Tada, now you're fixed. No, you're taking them to a level of awareness. And it actually can get messy there. Because what tends to happen is people have that awareness. And when you are in there as their coach or thinking, everything, your life should change, now that we have this awareness, but they come back the next week, thinking the same old thoughts, feeling the same old way, you're gonna think there must be something wrong with this person, or there must be something wrong with me as the coach, because I was trained to think that all I had to do is show them their mind. And that would be motivation enough to change it. That is not true. All that does is bring a level of awareness. It doesn't give you anything to do with that awareness. So it becomes a helpful exercise of someone learning more about themselves, learning about their patterns, learning about how they got where they are. But, you know, I'm thinking specifically about our clients at our coach certification right now. And Superabound coach certification is one of the things that we do is we give our coaches the next step of where to take that with their clients. So we turn that awareness into solving the next riddle, solving the next challenge. And most mindset coaching doesn't do that. And

Steve Haase  12:57  
that's because within that is the belief that your client has all the answers, your client is perfectly whole as they are. And all of this is true, right? There's a certain truth and beauty to that. But again, in a business context, you need to land the plane, so to speak. So the insights that you come up with, need to be operationalized write the question, now that we have this awareness, what are we going to do with it? How is it actually going to change your business, change the way that you lead? Because without that change in the world, the coaching will actually end up not being that helpful, right? The sign of effective coaching is that somebody's business relationships, teams, become stronger, become more functional, and are actually getting them closer to the next lantern that they want to light. And this is a key to one of the big pains that we've heard from many coaches is that, you know, it's hard to fill up your practice, it's hard to, you know, make a great living as a coach, I tell you this, if you are helping your clients get incredible results. And that you are not just a bystander on the sidelines, you know, cheering for them, but actually right in there, invested in their results just like they are. This is another nono that you can hear in coach certification is, you know, you're not there to help them get results, you're there to help them see their mind. But if you actually shift that and you say, no, let's bring the whole picture in there. And actually make sure that the results are happening and that we're moving towards the lantern. You will see repeat business you will see referrals you will see people singing your praises on social media into their friends, without you even asking because they feel that you are there with them and for them and not just as a dispassionate bystander who's going to show them their mind like some kind of enlightened me Are you actually have to get into the messiness of it with them to a certain extent. Yeah,

Erin Aquin  15:05  
I actually think that a big disservice that I've heard from coaches not from any one particular training or school of thought, but like from many, many, it was actually the thing that turned me off about coaching, when I first heard about it is someone said, your job, your like your coach's job is just unlocking the answers that are already inside of you. I just remember thinking, not knowing anything about life coaching, or business coaching, I remember thinking, Who the hell is going to pay for the answers that are already inside of them, like, I can figure out how to unlock that shit for myself. I actually just think this is a terrible thing that we teach coaches and that we teach. Our coaches teach their clients, they say, I'm only here to help you unlock the answers that are already inside of you. I'm just here to show you your brilliance and show you your mind. Especially if you're coaching somebody in a business or leadership capacity, I promise you, they don't have the answers inside of them already. They may know that what their vision is, with and hopefully with your help, they will, they might have a clearer sense of their values. And if they don't guess what Coach, you get to help them with that. But we're dealing with life, and life is full of things we don't know, life is full of things we don't expect. There is no way we have the answers to situations we've never encountered before. And I actually think that when we tell people that they have it all inside of them already, it's a lot of pressure. And it's not actually always true. I can say I won't say I can't speak for anyone else, I'll just speak for me. I don't know what's true for you. But for me, looking back at my first year of business, there was a whole bunch of answers that were not inside of me. They were outside of me. They those answers, those things I figured out came from trying things from failing from, you know, going through the ups and downs, the shame, the resilience, the strength of the loss, all of the things that happened to grow into the business owner that I am and to have the business that we have. telling people that the answers are already inside of them can actually add a lot of pressure. And isn't necessarily true. It's a pretty idea. But I actually think in practice, it's, it's not very practical. And I don't think it's true. We

Steve Haase  17:37  
are talking about a different animal when we speak about leadership coaching, business coaching, because it's not just about what's true for the individual. It's also about what are the outcomes that you want to create in the world. And so there is a certain amount of absolute uncertainty, and chaos and confusion that you need to help somebody navigate. And the only way to discover it is by helping them find those answers to create what it is that they want to create. And most of that's not going to happen from looking within. As important as that is to the process. Another element of coaching that makes it shift from, you know, superfluous or even annoying to actually being truly helpful is how holistic it is with somebody's life. Up until now we've been talking about the different parts that you can focus on whether it's the action or the mindset. But there's an element that's even one layer deeper than that. And that is the well being of the individual in question, who is the person who is taking those actions? How whole and happy and fulfilled is the person whose mindset we're exploring. And so that's why within the Superabound method, we put a lot of importance on what we call the tending triad, and someone's ability to create sustainable well being and self investment over time. Because if that piece of the puzzle isn't there, you know, we write about it in our book, but the your inner flame becomes diminished, right, that torch that you're carrying to let your next lantern starts to become weak and you know risks fizzling out risks burning out. And if you're not including that in the conversation about how someone wants to move forward and the lantern that they want to light there are vectors at play that could sink the entire operation that lots of coaching does not include because it's you know, so focused on a particular idea or framework

Erin Aquin  19:43  
that is so important. And the thing is, you can't fake that. If you as the coach, want to deliver quality, high impact coaching, truly help your clients. You can A fake that in your own life, it doesn't land if you're not actually tending your own inner flame, as a human, as a coach, as a business owner, the ideas that you're sharing, the coaching that you're giving, will just be words. And you know, I know not everybody cares about integrity that they're, you know, they're like, I can be really good. As a coaching technician, and have my map my life be really messy, that's true, and for some people, but it's much more fun to be able to coach from your own internal wisdom and experience. I think another thing that makes the Superabound Coaching method different is we really encourage our coaches to get the support that they need. Something that is, I think, pretty unique about our program is we actually do private sessions throughout the training. With each one of our coaches. I was I was joking, I'm like, it's the most economical way to get coaching from us. You know, not only are you getting a certification, a training that you can add to your business, and bring in for your own clients, for your own team for every area of your life, personally and professionally. But you're also getting the chance to work with two coaches, two business owners who've been doing this work very deeply, and, you know, designed this training for you. So of course, something that's for your business, but it's also really for you, because if you as a human are not tended to, if you can't handle your own internal static, if you don't know what to do with that, if you're not comfortable with that, you're not going to be comfortable, when your clients have a big, emotional experience, you're not going to know what to do with that, you're gonna like try to pull out a worksheet or strategy framework, and tell them to buck up or something that isn't appropriate for that person in that moment. Likewise, if you're trying to be a thinking partner, which is something that is, I think, also unique to our training, you know, we're not just there to ask our clients a million questions, we're actually there to use whatever expertise you bring to the table for your clients, in a really thoughtful way to give them a little extra juice as they move towards their next lantern. But if you're not doing that work in your own business, in your own practice, you're not gonna have that energy to give, you're not gonna, you're not going to have those insights to offer. What's good for you, as a human is good for your business. And that is something that I think is really unique about the way we train our clients, and the way we deliver coaching in the Superabound world. And the final thing I'll say about this, it's actually not super controversial. We were pretty kind. We didn't like name names. But the one thing I will say is, as a coach, your allegiance is to your client. But not to the shitty stories your client tells about themselves, not to the moments where they are falling apart, and they think they're broken, and they will never get where they want to go. Your allegiance as a coach is to your client's big vision. And in order to do your job, well. Seminars, you also have to be willing to break all the rules that maybe you learned in basic coach training. That's kind of what we're about. So even if you are already a coach, and you think I have a lot of tools, I don't know, do I really need this, this suite of of new ideas? Is it really going to help me that much? We'd love to talk to you and help you find out because this is really we are more committed as Superabound coaches to the vision of our clients than we are to doing coaching correctly.

Steve Haase  24:09  
Absolutely. And so with the question of what is truly helpful coaching, and what does that look like? It looks like fuel for the fire of your dreams. It looks like working with somebody who will help you go farther than you ever could on your own. And so that is going to look different for different situations for different personality types, but it is always going to be warm. It is going to be loving. It is going to be full of belief for the value of what it is that you want, and what you want to create and why it matters to you and to the world. It's going to be inspiring, and it's going to look like action from week to week, as well as insight as you uncover layers of who you are what makes you tick how you can operate at an even greater capacity for the service of your dreams.

Erin Aquin  25:07  
So if that sounds good to you, as a coach, if you would like tools that actually help you turn the insights that you have with your clients into real steps towards the next lantern, and you want to be the kind of coach that your clients come back to over and over again, because you have been so useful and valuable in their journey, we hope that you will join us inside the Superabound coach certification, there are just a few more days to join us and get the 2023 price which is $2,000 less than what it will be come January 1, you can head over to besuperabound.com/certification to learn more and to join us. And if you're on the fence, if you're thinking that this is interesting, but you're not ready to like put in your credit card right now. That is totally okay. We are making time in the next few weeks to speak with anyone who's interested but really just wants to get a feel and confirm that this is the right time and the right space for you. There is a place to book a free 20 minute consultation call with one of us on the certification page or you're welcome to email our team at Hello at beSuperabound.com We would love to talk to you have a beautiful week and a beautiful holiday season. See you next year.