Type your question using the form on this page. Erin and Steve will email you when they've responded to it. You can choose to ask anonymously or sign your name at the bottom, just keep in mind all members have access to this page. We are here to coach you during this process and often seeing someone else get coached can be helpful and relevant to you.
TITLE: Not feeling heard and understood
Question:
A common challenge that I hear is that my partner doesn’t feel heard and understood. And when we do find connection, like recently in our couples therapy we did some somatic work and I could see how I often (especially in the distressed state we are in now) put aside my body needs (food, rising anxiety, washroom needs) if I can, in order to show up/ listen and not interrupt. I have to add that I have ADHD and a toddler so my sleep is not ideal and my attention and focus certainly are impacted but this was a growing concern previously when I was anxious about work deadlines each quarter for example. They have their own concerns and history about being neglected among some other painful life and relationship experiences, and in our relationship as I feel anxious about how we are doing I am not my authentic relaxed self. I am often trying to get things right. And when I do come to an awareness (I really may not hear you or give you non verbal cues of attending sometimes when we are talking) it goes from relief in their part to very large grief and a need for me to hear all of how this now validated and also leaves them so hurt. I both really want to be able to hear this and also feel protective and my “hungry dog” / threat sensors pique up... the second part of this is that I do struggle to hear them criticize or blame me (they wouldn’t feel that’s what they're doing which makes me wonder if I’m just over sensitive) but if I do just take it and accept I must be doing something that contributes to our dynamic, a sinkhole seems to appear between us as described above. Or I feel utterly hopeless- like I am trapped and can only find connection if I agree to all that they’ve described. Aaand if I say I can’t see or don’t agree or explain (I know, I know...) it only makes them feel more dismissed. So either their perspective is right (I’m open to being curious but not being erased of own experience and motivations), or I’m not understanding or hearing them. Or if I do it’s a sink hole of grief that seems insurmountable affirming all they have been feeling. Under all this tangled mess is a deep care but a more and more broken bridge to each other. I’m open to understanding how I can be more skillful, and also stay in my truth if that’s healthy, or just to guidance in what I am not seeing understanding/ where my needs for growth / perspective shift is.... thanks
Answer:
This may sound radical, but the reason you are in pain is because you're trying to change something that's impossible for you to change: your partner's thoughts and feelings. We know this because even though you are trying to do what you think it is they want, it's creating the exact opposite result for you. You're not listening to yourself and therefore aren't able to really listen to them. You're walking on eggshells out of fear they won't feel heard instead of showing up and loving them regardless.
Before we talk about solutions, spend some time thinking through what kind of effort it would take if you were the only one that could make your partner feel seen and heard? Is that a job you want? Post your thoughts and let's keep talking because this is important.
TITLE: Not feeling heard and understood 2
Question:
To briefly reply to your questions—- I think it would take me living a life just for my partner and not for myself or anyone else. So no I don’t think it’s possible or sustainable. But I don’t know where to go after that. How do I love them as they are and not erase myself?
Answer:
To love your partner as they are means you also love the person who feels unheard. There's a perfect reason they feel that way. It has nothing to do with you. And it's causing them to suffer.
We all do this in some form or another—self-sabotaging behavior that we blame on someone else. So find out how you do it as well; that will help you have compassion with your partner for doing it the way they do.
This also has the effect of not erasing yourself. In fact, it helps you to show up even more fully as yourself. For instance, the very topic of this conversation is one way in which you're self-sabotaging. You think you're responsible for your partner's feelings. So you diminish yourself, which helps no one—certainly not you.
Title: Needs
Question:
My partner and I are trying to transform our relationship- in effect to start over in many ways. As part of this they have asked me (repeatedly over years actually) what I want or need from them, from our relationship. I can’t tell you how confusing it is that I can’t even touch this question with my mind- it slides away from me- suddenly I have no needs- I don’t know what I can ask for- I’m fine with everything (I’m not, but I can’t remember anything). Any suggestions about how to do an accounting of what i might start to communicate I care about my needs. I’m also stuck about what are my needs and what I can ask of another person.... thanks in advance.....
Answer:
It sounds like you've put a lot of pressure on yourself to respond "the right way" to your partner's question. Before responding to them, ask yourself what you want more of in your life. What makes you happy? It could be as simple as reading a book or going on a walk. Starting small and self-contained is a great way to start tapping in to bigger wants and desires. As you listen to the still, small voice inside, you can start to share what it's saying with your partner. From there you can come up with plans together for adding more of what you want to your life. The ways your partner will (or won't) want to support you can emerge organically from those conversations. It's deeply empowering to know that if something is important to you, you can find a way to make it happen. Your partner's support can then be the icing on the cake. Let us know how it's going for you!
Title: Are all playbook preferences bad?
Question:
I understand the idea that we are each responsible for our own happiness. However, is it not true that each of us just have basic preferences in choosing a partner that make us compatible? And at what point, do we rely too heavily on those preferences ? Surely, we are allowed to have some basic preferences when selecting our partner? Otherwise anyone could just be with anyone. Hope that makes sense?
Answer:
Preferences are fine, and yes, you chose your partner based on certain things about them that you like. But where most people get hung up is on the things that they don't like that they wish their partner would be doing differently.
The Perfect Partner Playbook is when you stop allowing your partner to be perfect as they are and instead wish, hope, cajole, or otherwise fight with the reality of who they are and what they do.
If you find yourself exasperated by thoughts such as, "Why are they so (fill in the blank)?" then you know you're putting your happiness in their hands. That's the Playbook and that's where problems arise.
TITLE: BLAMING
Question:
As I’ve gone through the modules of the perfect partner playbook and thought leaps, I’m recognizing my part in thinking my partner should do things to make me happy or assuming that because my partner does one thing it means another. It has really helped me look at my partner in a more positive light.
What I’m struggling with is my partner still blames me for making him feel like he can’t do something right. For example my grandfather passed away, he did many things to be of help like drive to another state to see family, be present with my family. I explained to him that although I was grateful for those things I really would have like more affection and closeness as that’s what really speaks to me when I am looking for support. He blamed me that Nothing is ever good enough. How do I navigate this situation?
Answer:
I'm sorry for your loss.
As for navigating the blame you feel from your partner, what are you making his words mean? The fact of the matter is that he said, "Nothing is ever good enough" or something to that effect. Your thoughts about his words are why you are interpreting them negatively. What if you could let him say his words while keeping an open mind about the whole situation? For instance, how might he be interpreting your words to come to his conclusions? We're always creating meaning from the world around us. What meaning would be most helpful for you to create in this situation?
Title: Finding fun - chores and arguing
Question:
She says:
In talking more about the topic we got coached on in the live call, fun doesn't really fit in this conversation. None of us think that we'll be generating fun by unloading the dishwasher. I guess what I was getting at is that while I do want the kids to help, if they don't, I will fill in where/when I can, because I'm the one who really cares about it.
Ideal result: get assistance from the kids - they are able bodied and have more free time than me, so my preference is that they start to take more ownership of the house we all live in.
He says:
If you aren't going to have follow through, there is no reason to ask the kids to do chores (dishwasher, clean their rooms, etc.) as that just creates an internal fight for yourself. If the feeling is the chores just need to get done, then just do them and save all the arguing or internal fighting. I think that teaching the kids accountability is part of the follow through if you are going to ask for their help. Setting expectations and follow through.
Ideal Result: TBD
Answer:
It sounds like you both want the kids to help around the house, or at least to engage them in some way.
But there are lots of Thought Leaps happening that are preventing you from agreeing on how to do this. For instance, why does there have to be an internal fight for yourself if you ask the kids to do chores? What could "follow through" look like for the kids?
Remember what you're trying to create with a conversation is the result you would like to have. What would your conversation look like if she were not assuming the chores won't get done and he were not assuming there will be an internal fight about it?
Consider this result for the conversation: to come up with creative ideas for having the kids do things around the house. Let us know how it goes!